Is This “Normal” for a Sexually Curious Boy?

Reader’s Question

I’m the mother of a boy who is clearly going through puberty. His voice is changing, he’s becoming more muscular, and his hormones appear to be raging. He is a very good looking young man and is very social and popular.

The problem is that I don’t know if some of his behavior is “normal” for a person going through adolescence. On two different occasions, I found a pair of girls’ underwear in my bathroom after pool parties we had. Then after my son went to a pool party at a girl’s home, I and other parents got a call from the girl’s parents that someone at the party had gone through a bedroom drawer and took out girls’ panties, stuffing them in a bathroom drawer. This happened two times at two different homes.

I confronted my son and he initially denied doing it but eventually admitted it. I know that pre-teen boys are naturally curious and that their raging hormones can make them do all sorts of things. My husband has told me he did similar things and even worse at this age. Is this a behavior that is to be expected, or should I be seeking some counseling for my son?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

During this tumultuous stage of development, many behaviors that can appear quite bizarre are actually quite “normal.” Curiosity about sexual matters as well as a desire to have proximate contact with sexually-oriented material are quite common in adolescence, even early adolescence. Fascination with articles of clothing worn by the opposite sex can be a way of having such proximate contact.

People also can and do develop certain sexual “fetishes” and these fetishes often first appear in early adolescence. A fetish is defined as deriving sexual pleasure from contact with an inanimate object. Panty fetishes are not particularly uncommon. A fetish can begin with a person’s normal curiosity about sexual matters and the use of some material closely associated with sexuality while avoiding possible anxiety associated with direct physical sexual contact with another. But sometimes a pattern can be established in which a certain object takes on the power to provide sexual satisfaction. A fetish becomes a problem only when it interferes with a person’s ability to derive sexual satisfaction in other important ways (e.g., a man can’t make love to his wife unless she wears a certain kind of panties) or interferes with normal social or occupational functioning (e.g., a person has such a compulsion to steal panties that they engage in repeat acts of breaking and entering).

Because there is no way to know at this stage whether there is anything to worry about, it’s absolutely necessary to create an atmosphere in which open, direct, and straightforward communication is encouraged and engaged in frequently. The focus should be on the practical considerations of any behaviors that might arouse the concern of others and the possible consequences of actions. It’s also important to be supportive of the notion of counseling should your son express a desire for it or should the necessity become apparent.

Early adolescence is a difficult and turbulent time for many. At a physical level, the body becomes “ready” for sexual activity while a person’s emotions, mental development, social skills, and psychological level of function are nowhere nearly as “ready” to handle the complexities of intimate relationships. Patience, understanding, and above all, openness and receptivity are the keys to parents and children getting through this trying time together.