My Son Has Made a Mess of His Life

Reader’s Question

My 33-year-old son has abused both alcohol and drugs over the years and has been in and out of jail several times for reasons like DUIs, violation of probation, “borrowing” a friend’s car, etc. He has never managed to hold a job for any length of time, and he has burned just about every bridge he ever had with both friends and family. We, his parents, have “loaned” him probably thousands of dollars over the years to get him out of scrapes, pay his rent, pay his probation fees, etc. He recently was released from jail on probation again. He has nowhere to go, no money, no job, no driver’s license, no anything, although he says he’s determined to fulfill all his legal requirements this time. How can he do this without help of some sort? He is staying a few days here and a few days there. Even though we’ve been burned so many times by his behavior, I (his mother) still can’t get over the depression and guilt that my son is such a screw-up. He has a good heart, but he is a master manipulator, with me especially.

What can I do to get over these feelings and to stop feeling sorry for my son? My husband (his stepfather) won’t have anything to do with him, but I still pine and cry for him. Help me, please. Any advice would be appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are three distinct possibilities to explain your son’s behavior pattern. One possibility is that he is struggling with an addiction(s) to alcohol or other drugs. Addicts can be good hearted at the core but can’t stop themselves from abusing the chemicals that eventually cause them to destroy their lives. Unless they completely “hit bottom,” many believe that they can’t find the necessary motivation to seek help and maintain a commitment to sobriety.

Another possibility is that your son is struggling with a mental illness, possibly a mood disorder, which he attempts to self-regulate, albeit ineffectually, by using substances.

The last possibility is that your son has a character disorder. That would mean that his personality (i.e., his way of looking at the world and interacting with it) is so dysfunctional that he habitually defaults on his social obligations.

Of course, none of these possibilities is mutually exclusive. And, no matter what the reason for your son’s checkered history, simply feeling sorry for him and trying too hard to “rescue” him generally only “enables” him to stay dysfunctional.

Mounds of research indicates that there are only two reliable factors that appear to influence whether a child will become a well-functioning adult. The first factor is that parents provide abundant and unconditional love and affection that is freely given. The second factor is that parents provide very conditional support and approval for behavior. Stop thinking about your son’s heart and his plight. It’s his behavior that’s a problem. When it hurts too bad for him to keep doing as he’s doing, he’ll have the motivation to change course. Be there for him emotionally, but make a firm commitment not to “enable” his dysfunctional behavior.