Is My Boyfriend, Suddenly Distant, Experiencing Depression?

Reader’s Question

I’m not sure what to do regarding my boyfriend of one year. We are both 30 and live separately. Things were going very well until suddenly last week when he became emotionally distant. When I confronted him about this his only reply was that he is unhappy with his life. I asked him directly if he still wants a relationship with me, and he said he does not know. I told him I appreciated his honesty, that I care for him, and that I am there for him if he needs me.

My boyfriend hates his job but can’t leave because it pays well and barely covers his expenses; he just built a new house. I talked to him today after giving him some space, but he says he still does not know if he wants me. Again, his only explanation was that he is not happy with his life, hates his job, hates going home, and that I didn’t do anything wrong. I told him I care for him and if he needs to talk, vent or anything just to call. He said he appreciated that.

I don’t want to lose my boyfriend, and I’m worried about him. I think he might be depressed but he won’t get help. What can I do to help him?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Although it’s not possible to assess your situation accurately from such a distance, you report some things that suggest your boyfriend might be experiencing some kind of depressive episode. Some time ago, the psychiatrist Aaron Beck identified the “cognitive triad” involved in depression. People who have succumbed to a depression begin to have negative and pessimistic thoughts and views about the “world” in general and life’s circumstances, themselves, and the future. So, it’s possible your boyfriend is depressed.

It’s important to recognize, however, that there can be many other explanations for what’s going on in your relationship right now. And unless you can be reasonably sure that you know your boyfriend very well despite only being with him for one year, it would be important not to jump to conclusions. For example, it’s possible that there are other, unspoken reasons for your boyfriend’s very recent change in interest in you — and the fact that he expresses dissatisfaction with other aspects of his life does not necessarily mean that depression is the culprit.

Your boyfriend is a 30-year-old adult. Most people who are miserable don’t like being miserable and actively seek a way out. You say he “can’t” leave his job and that despite the tightness of his finances, he built a new house. Adult life is about choices and consequences. And misery is often nature’s way of urging us to change course.

Don’t make any assumptions, and don’t fall into the trap of taking responsibility for someone else’s life. So far from what you say, your boyfriend has voiced appreciation for your support but hasn’t acted very appreciatively toward you. Naturally, can encourage and be available to him, but be cautious and prudent. If you get too deeply into his fire, you might be the one who ends up getting burned.