How Can I Get “Unstuck” in Life?

Reader’s Question

I’m 20 years old and for several years I’ve been asking myself the same question. I dropped out of high school just 3 credits away from graduating. I live with my sister and her husband, and I recently lost my job, which caused me to fall back on all my part of the bills, leaving them to pick up the slack. My household is now struggling, and it’s beginning to become difficult to maintain and I feel as if it’s my fault. I always seem to be “stuck in the same position” and I feel like my life is going nowhere. Still, I don’t have the urge to go back to school and graduate or even to go to college. Please tell me why a person would choose to be so stuck. Any advice would help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are many reasons why people engage in what psychologists call “self-defeating behaviors.” Some individuals struggle with a type of personality that — although not one of the officially recognized “personality disorders” — is nonetheless recognized by many professionals as a distinct personality characterized by the penchant for self-defeat. Such individuals frequently do much for others but sabotage themselves just as they near opportunities for self-advancement. There is a self-punishing or masochistic quality to this type of personality, and the roots of it appear to lie in a person’s deep belief that they are not meant to succeed or prosper. Such beliefs often have their origin in a childhood in which frequent messages are given that the person is “no good”, “unworthy”, or a big disappointment in life.

Mild to moderate levels of depression can also affect one’s motivation level, especially when it comes to persisting on task. So, depressed persons can often “run out of gas” just as they approach completing their goals. Unanticipated setbacks can also increase the level of depression.

Behavioral psychologists note that all creatures are prone to doing what brings them gratification and to avoiding what causes them pain or anxiety. So, from that perspective, people avoid doing the things that for some reason cause them distress. If it’s not clear to them what other direction to take to secure satisfaction, they are left with only the choice to “escape” what feels bad.

The aforementioned are only some of the possibilities affecting why you are feeling “stuck” and unmotivated. It would be best to address these issues with a competent professional, especially a counselor who specializes in the area of personal growth and/or career development. Once you have an accurate assessment of your situation, you can develop a plan to get “unstuck.”