My Parents Say Choose Between Boyfriend and Financial Support for School

Reader’s Question

I’m an 18-year-old female, and I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend who is 20 for almost two years now. We’re very happy and deeply in love.

The problem is that I’m going to be going out of town to school quite a distance from here, and my boyfriend wants to spend more time with me before I leave. My parents have become disapproving of my boyfriend because he temporarily stopped going to school to work for tuition money. They also started having negative feelings about when I let my grades slip and got put on academic probation.

My parents think my boyfriend is a distraction and want me to break up with him or they won’t pay for my tuition. They say they don’t want to waste more of their money. However, my boyfriend thinks it’s not fair for my parents to make the decision for me and that they’re trying to control me. He says that we’ll both pay our own tuition, if necessary.

I’ve tried to talk things over with my parents and to convince them to let me both go to school and have a relationship. But they say it’s not a good idea and have started to guilt-trip me by saying that they’ve done so many things for me to help benefit my future and all I’ve done is disappoint them. After telling my boyfriend the same thing, he got very upset and sent text messages to my father asking him to come to his senses and to allow me to make my own decisions. They got into a big argument and started calling each other names.

The situation sounds so childish to me, and I was hoping for it to unfold on its own, but they’re still making me decide. It’s so difficult to choose between family and a lover. I don’t want to disrespect my parents but I also don’t want to lose my boyfriend to all of this. What can I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Being an adult and accepting responsibility for one’s choices has never been easy business. Your parents have every right to decide what level of support they want to give you. And just because your parents might believe that your poor academic progress was probably linked to your inability to successfully balance both a relationship and your educational responsibilities doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re out to control your life. In the end, you’re the one who’s responsible for your choices and their consequences. In the past, you’ve not used the support you’ve gotten from your parents very wisely and allowed your grades to suffer.

You clearly have some decisions to make. Yet, you lament that your parents are “making” you decide and that you were actually hoping that things would “unfold on their own.” As you are finding out, things don’t just happen. People make choices, and there is a probable outcome to every choice. It’s time to stop blaming your parents and take responsibility. It’s also important that your parents not blame your boyfriend for your failure to meet your academic responsibilities.

There’s no reason why you can’t have a relationship with your boyfriend and still give adequate attention to your academic responsibilities. But you’ve had problems balancing these two interests before and you will have to set priorities and demonstrate commitment. It is not your parents’ responsibility to support every choice you make. And, if you don’t want to accept their conditions, you don’t have to do so. But you might want to approach your parents in a way that indicates you accept full responsibility for not using their support wisely in the past as well as your willingness to be held accountable for your performance as opposed to blaming your choice of boyfriends.

You indicate that your boyfriend believes that you can make it on your own if you need to and that he is already working to be able to afford his own tuition. You might face a similar challenge if you cannot successfully negotiate support from your parents. But you might also find that your parents are much more willing to lend a supportive financial hand to you once they observe that you have more wisely balanced your academic and personal life.