Would My Son Be Better Off Without Me?

Reader’s Question

I am 26 years old and have a 3-year-old son. I live with my 34-year-old boyfriend, and we have been together for 8 years. We were separated for 2 of those years, but we just moved back in together a few months ago. We still have many problems and arguments, and my son is always caught in the middle of the turmoil.

I feel that I have failed my son as well as myself. I just don’t feel like I can deal with all this anymore. It seems like everyone would be better off without me. It seems like destruction follows me. So, my question is whether my son is likely to have a better life without me. I wonder if I left him to be raised by someone else, would he be affected in a negative way by my choice?

I simply don’t feel mentally stable enough to take good care of my son. I feel like I’m causing more damage than good. I’m know I have psychiatric problems, and I’m thinking about simply disappearing or maybe just living in a mental institution.

I’ve tried to talk to my boyfriend about the feelings I’ve been having, but he says I’m just too lazy to change my life. I think I just might be evil and a problem to the world and wonder if I would be better off dead or in a mental institution.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Naturally, your son needs someone who can care for him, love him, and guide him. And right now, you are not feeling that you can provide him with what he needs. But that is in large measure because you are showing the cardinal signs (e.g., feelings of worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, thoughts of death) that you are experiencing a significant degree of clinical depression. Your ability to deal with stress is reduced because of your condition, and you entertain thoughts of running away. You are also not thinking as clearly about things as you would be if you were not so depressed.

Your opinions of yourself, the world around you, the nature of your relationships, and how to care for your son will likely all change significantly and for the better once you have secured appropriate treatment for your depression. And it’s of the utmost importance that you seek such treatment without delay. Depending on where you live, there is likely to be an independent practitioner, mental health center, program, or institution that can provide you with the services you need and devise a plan for your treatment and recovery. Some psychiatric hospitals and mental health clinics even have assessment and referral services.

Before taking off in an airplane, the attendants always advise that in the case of an emergency adults put on their own oxygen masks first so that they will be clear-headed enough to see to their children’s needs and safety. Similarly, you’ll be able to see far more clearly what your son needs from you and how best to provide for him once you are no longer so depressed. Depression really interferes with a person’s ability to think in a normal and healthy manner. But with treatment, the world can look bright again, and you can feel vital and capable again. So, seek the treatment you need and do so right away. And don’t just do it for your son. Do it for yourself and because it’s the right thing to do. Your son will be just one of the many beneficiaries of your commitment to restore your health.