Needy and Dependent, or Just Taking Advantage?

Reader’s Question

How do I break up with a person who is too “needy”?

I have enjoyed the company of a man and was physically attracted to him as well, but my desire for him has waned considerably. It seems like his life story has changed. At first he seemed honorable, but now his behavior suggests a pattern of avoiding personal responsibility and being completely “dependent” on his elderly parents. He said he moved in with them to take care of them, but that has not proven to be true. He was the person solely at fault in a serious multi-car accident and has an enormous cash judgement against him. He doesn’t work and doesn’t live on his own.

He says I am the love of his life, but I don’t feel special when he says it. Instead, I feel manipulated. He also scares me when he says he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. His “dependency” makes me feel trapped. He hasn’t said the specific words, but I think he is expecting me to be the solution to his wretched life. It’s like I am his last hope, and if I don’t open myself and my bank accounts to him, then I am betraying him, like the others whom he points to as having done him wrong.

I don’t want to destroy this man’s life — or mine, for that matter. He knows I don’t feel the same as he does. When I have tried to set boundaries, take some time alone, or say “no” to some of his requests to see me, he gets angry and says I am “f***ing with [his] mind.” I have tried to break up with him several times, but after the typical onslaught (BIG drama) of his pleas, promises, and guilt-trips, I end up giving-in to the notion of “one more try.”

Please help me form a perspective that might help me stay strong and firm and truly break free.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It appears that you have bought into the notion that your boyfriend is a “victim.” This is no small feat on his part, given the fact that he caused multiple injuries to others, exploits his parents, and drains your bank account. But it takes two to tango at the manipulation game. And of the two of you, you are the one more likely to be struggling with some “dependency” issues. As a recognized expert in the area of manipulation, it still surprises me a bit when people correctly identify tactics such as “guilt-tripping” and “playing the victim,” yet remain ensnared in exploitive relationships. Usually, the reason turns out to be that despite the fact they intellectually “know better,” their emotional mindset simply won’t allow them to see their exploiter as anything other than a person “in need.”