Changing My Whole Life for a Guy Who Doesn’t Seem to Give Anything

Reader’s Question

I am in a long-distance relationship. He would like me to drop everything in my life and move to be with him. This means leaving my family and friends, moving my daugther away from her father, and so on. We communicate by phone and online. I can see from his social networking sites that he talks to other women online quite often. I’ve told him that I’m uncomfortable with this, but he says I’m just trying to control him. He doesn’t seem willing to give up anything for me but wants me to change my whole life for him. Lately, he does not even tell me what he is doing and says it’s because I will only “get mad” if I know. I feel anxiety about the way he’s treating me. Why would he be keeping things from me? I feel a lack of communication. He doesn’t seem to care about my feelings, and he doesn’t want to talk about what he is doing. I also don’t get any sense that he wants to be fair. What should I do? I don’t want to control him, but I certainly want my feelings to be acknowledged and to be cared about as much as he wants me to care for him.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s look at the pros and cons. On the con side, there’s the emotional hardship of leaving your family and your friends, moving to a strange location, putting greater distance between your daughter and her father, being with a man you don’t really know that well or fully trust and are anxious about, entering a relationship where you give everything and he concedes nothing, experiencing a lack of communication, and not having your feelings acknowledged or respected.

Then on the pro side, there’s…uh…uh…oh, wait! You didn’t mention any!

What was your question again? Have you thought about why you’re asking it?