My Mom’s Misplaced Anger Has Destroyed My Life

Reader’s Question

I’m only 20 years old but have lived a miserable life since my dad left over 10 years ago. It’s been only me and my mom in the house. I grew up with my mom taking her anger out on me and was taught to take my anger out the way she did. When I was 16, I tried to commit suicide a few times because she would always yell and threaten me. I was forced to go to counseling for a year or so but the counselor found that it wasn’t as much me who needed help but my mom. She is a hard person to deal with, always has to be in control, and hardly lets me have any freedom. I’m thinking about trying to get some anti-depression drugs. I cannot move out of her house because I do not have enough money. I only work part time because I go to school and have a car and insurance to pay for, so I need to live at home. But every day I feel depressed because of her. She makes me feel horrible. I still love her, but I do not respect her anymore. She has told me that I am not a son, that I am going to be getting kicked out on the street soon because of my behavior, but I do not understand what exactly I am doing wrong. I never miss work, I do my best to work hard in school (although she usually tells me how much of a failure I am and it results in my doing horribly in class), and I try to keep my act together. I started smoking marijuana thanks to how I feel and have now become addicted to it. Every time I try to quit I can’t because it helps make me feel better. My mother treats me worse then a dog, but she does not seem to notice. How can I change things in my house? I know I should have tried to get help about this earlier but I have never really had the courage to do this.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The “prescription” for your difficulties is simple and straightforward, but it won’t be easy. Take your attention off what you can’t control and invest your time and energy where you have power — your own behavior. You’ll need to stop self-medicating any depression with drugs, and it would be a much better idea to pursue comprehensive mental health treatment as opposed to merely trying to get some antidepressants prescribed.

You indicate you are in school, and the likelihood is that there are counseling services available there. Avail yourself of them. You cannot change your mother. And she also doesn’t have the power to “make” you channel anger in the maladaptive ways she does, to do poorly in class, to seek refuge in drugs, or even entertain thoughts of self-harm. How you treat yourself is infinitely more important than how you complain your mother has treated you. You say you were “forced” at one time to seek counseling and have though about it on your own for some time but have lacked the “courage” to do so. Take the wise course and invest in yourself. Re-direct your attention from your mother and all the other areas of your life where you lack power. Make knowing yourself better and straightening out your own self-defeating patterns your top priorities. And forget that you don’t have all the courage you need just yet. Once you start healing and empowering yourself, your courage and character will strengthen.