We Took Mom In After Her Divorce And Don’t Want Her Leaving On Bad Terms

Reader’s Question

I have been living with my mother, wife, and 2 sons in a home that I bought for the past 6 years. My mother is divorced and helps to take care of my sons together with a housekeeper that we hired.

Recently, my mother had a fight with me and claimed that we treat her more like a maid as opposed to a family member. She complained that we give her very late notice whenever we’re going out shopping or for dinner, so she doesn’t have enough time to prepare and come with us. It was a shock to us that the person who loves you so much and you adore so much would claim that we don’t even consider her to be part of the family. She also said she feels that because both my sons are growing up, she is no longer needed as much, which made me feel as if all the while we were just using her and exploiting her. I’ve told her for years how glad I was to have her staying with us and how grateful we were that she helped take care of my sons while my wife and I were both working.

My mom wants to move out and find a place to live on her own and earn a living by taking a job. I am concerned because I don’t want my mom to leave with bad feelings toward us. I realize that I have made a couple of mistakes by not informing her early enough about activities we planned, but we certainly weren’t trying to cut her out of the picture. She doesn’t really want to speak to me or my wife. Whenever we try to explain, she thinks we’re just making excuses. What can we do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s almost unavoidable that conflicts develop whenever adults are put into roles that are not really appropriate for their age or situation. Although all of the intentions might have been good on the front end, your mother is an adult woman with her own needs. She was in a vulnerable position after her divorce, and it was kind of you to take her in. However, it’s far too easy to take a live-in adult for granted, and it’s equally easy for a capable adult to soon start missing their independence. Besides, it’s likely that there wasn’t a lot of clarity or acceptance about what the new expectations, roles, and conditions would be when your mom came to live with you. It’s also natural for your mother to want to re-claim an independent life. She may, in fact, feel a bit guilty for doing so, and may “need” to project some anger onto you so that she doesn’t feel so bad for “deserting” you and taking back her life.

Give it some time. Keep showing your mother that you love her and are grateful for all she has done. Give her some space and her independence. Let her know that you understand. Be there for her when she needs support. Forgive the anger. Don’t overwhelm her at first, but keep the lines of communication open and keep in contact. You have a history with your mother that extends far beyond the years she spent in your home. In time, roles, expectations, and relationships should normalize.