I Talked About Her Behind Her Back — How Can I Fix It?

Reader’s Question

I am feeling really “stuck” right now and need some help.

I am a 20-year-old male in college. At one time in my life I liked a girl but feared it wouldn’t work out between us and she would reject me. I had dreams and hopes that she would be my girlfriend. But because I was afraid I never told her or tried to show her how much I cared. Eventually, I made a decision not to think of her anymore as a possible girlfriend or even a future wife and began to treat her only as a special friend. I felt a lot of pain and disappointment as a result of this decision because deep down I really still cared for her a lot, but I moved on.

I started to work on myself and to increase my self-esteem and confidence (without a counselor) with some success. Then, one day I found out that this girl was starting to really dislike me and to distance herself from me. When I explored the possible reasons why, I learned that it was probably because I had been talking about her to her friends behind her back (which was an immature way for me to build myself up). So, I had to accept the fact she would probably never be my girlfriend. At the same time, I can’t even think of losing her as a friend because she is a colleague here at school, and I just couldn’t stand seeing her every day and thinking she hates me instead of being my friend.

I know I have caused all the problems I’ve had with this girl. But I can’t help my feelings. So I want to know what I need to do to calm all the mixed emotions that have caused all the problems in the first place and keep this girl as a friend. Otherwise, I’m not sure I could get on with my life. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course, it’s not possible to give you reliable advice without all the necessary facts, but it does appear that you are to some extent obsessed with this girl and what she might think of you. As such, focusing on her too much might not only make it more difficult to ever have a good friendship with her but also might “distract” you from what you know to be some significant “issues” related to your lack of self-confidence and poor self-esteem. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to take a step back and not be as concerned right now about having a serious girlfriend or a future wife. Rather, it might be a good idea (especially because you are on campus and the opportunity to do so could not be better) to work with a counselor on the issues that might be keeping you from forming healthy, lasting friendships. It’s quite clear that your fears and insecurities have wreaked some havoc in your social relationships. Working with a counselor or therapist can help you address and overcome these issues. Who knows, when you are feeling better about yourself and have developed better social interaction skills, this girl you like so much might respond to you much differently than you ever imagined. But that certainly would not be the major reason you should pursue counseling. Understanding yourself and the bases for your insecurities as well as developing yourself as a person should be the main reasons to seek help.