My Husband is Jealous of Me

Reader’s Question

I am married to a man who seems to be jealous of me. He’s not jealous in the sense that he fears my getting involved with another man. Rather, he seems to be jealous of my personal accomplishments. It’s like there’s a competition between us, even within the marriage. No matter what I suggest or what decision I make, he always, always, opposes it. When he makes a mistake, even if someone is right there witnessing it, he never admits it. He seems very non-empathetic and self-centered. He is manipulative and seems to relate better to children than to adults. On the positive side, he works very hard — almost too hard. Is there an explanation for this type of personality?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It would appear that this individual has a fragile sense of self-worth. And having some narcissistic traits (e.g., self-centeredness, empathy deficiency, needing always to be right, etc.) does not necessarily mean that someone has a personality disorder.

Jealousy that’s rooted in poor self-confidence and esteem doesn’t even have to involve another person to be jealous of. Individuals who suffer from a deficient sense of self-worth frequently need to “prove” their worth by being the best, working the hardest, and never acknowledging weakness, error, or defeat. Generally, problems arising from this also find their way into a couple’s intimate relationship.

Individuals with fragile egos were sometimes overly doted upon as children. They may also come from families where they encountered little or no validation from others and were left feeling very hungry for it.

Extreme jealously is hard to overcome, even with professional help. But lesser levels of jealousy can be dealt with effectively. Sometimes, just giving occasional messages of re-assurance to the jealous party is enough to do the trick. Avoiding “contests” in which the primary goal is to “expose” the jealous party’s weakness or failure can also be helpful. Sometimes it’s hard for the non-jealous spouse to make concessions, which can indicate that both parties are more alike in personality than either might care to admit. Contests to prove who is “on top” or the more dominant should also be avoided.

Unless the jealousy is extreme or there is evidence of severe personality dysfunction, you and your husband might well benefit from traditional marital counseling. You might not only be able to resolve the “jealousy” issues, but also address some of the fallout issues likely impairing the level of intimacy in your relationship.