How Do I Approach a Daughter I’ve Never Met?

Reader’s Question

I have a 15-year-old daughter whom I have never met. I recently made contact with her mother, and she has told my daughter that I would like to meet her. The mother is concerned about the way this should be done. My daughter has been quite emotional about the thought of meeting me. What suggestions do you have for such a meeting? Meeting me alone or with her mother? Meeting me with her mother, stepdad, my wife and daughters? Both families meeting for dinner? Thanks in advance for your help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The reactions children have to meeting birth parents for the first time vary considerably. Any apprehensions they have about doing so also vary in intensity and must be carefully considered.

With regard to the format for a first physical meeting, each of your suggestions has some merit, but generally speaking the more “familiar” and less “threatening” the encounter, the better. So the idea of both families meeting for dinner appears a better choice. The biggest concern however would be whether your daughter is truly emotionally “prepared” as best as possible for the encounter. This can be done by her present parents being engaged in very open dialog with her about such matters and addressing any apprehensions or concerns she might have. Also, having information is a real asset for both sides. You can provide her mother with information about you and your family. You should also want to know a few things about your daughter, especially with respect to the important things in her life as well as her main cares and concerns.

Moving slowly and methodically toward a more formal relationship with your daughter is key, always being sensitive to how well she might be reacting emotionally and doing your best not to “push” things too fast or too hard. Remember, your daughter has a family to which she has bonded. It’s very important that this bond is not unduly threatened.