Possessiveness and Mistrust: My Boyfriend Can’t Stand My Being Friends With Other Men

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I love each other, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. But we can’t go on with things as they have been. The problem is that my boyfriend can’t stand the idea of my even talking to other men. He doesn’t want me to have any friendships at all with them and really gets upset about it. Both of us want a solution to this problem but don’t really know what to do. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are two fairly strong enemies of a lasting relationship: possessiveness and mistrust. It’s also a fair bet that one or both of these tendencies is fueling your present conflict with your boyfriend. Some men tend think of the women that they’re involved with as possessions. As such, they don’t want to “share” them with anyone else. Also, they might mistrust the motives of a woman who wants to maintain friendships with other men. They might have the belief that a woman couldn’t possibly be interested in a man for anything but a deeper or possibly sexual relationship and therefore associating with other men is necessarily a sign that she cannot be regarded as faithful. Cultural norms differ widely, and some of the beliefs I’ve mentioned are reinforced in certain cultures and traditions.

From a psychological standpoint, it is also at least possible that the classic “defense mechanism” of “projection” is at play here. By that I mean that sometimes people “project” onto someone else desires, attitudes, and beliefs that they actually hold themselves but that are too painful for them to acknowledge. So, for example, a person who knows that he himself is motivated to associate with women primarily because he is interested in a sexual or other relationship with them might deny this reality to himself but yet ascribe these motives to the woman with whom he is involved.

Whatever the case, you’re most likely correct that things cannot remain as they are. It would probably be a good idea for you both to seek some guidance in counseling before you take your relationship to any higher level. Without trust, fidelity, and freedom from the tyranny of possessiveness, the kind of relationship you both say you want is not possible.