I Lost My Boyfriend While I Was Away on Exchange

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I can’t say we haven’t had our bad days, but we’ve always found a way to resolve any problems in our relationship. I’m writing because we broke up a few days ago and because of that I just can’t get back to normal life. I keep thinking about him and can’t seem to let go.

Things started going bad when I went to another country as an exchange student last year. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity I had been awaiting for so long. I fully expected that my boyfriend and I would remain a couple until I returned. That same year he went away to college in another city. So, I wouldn’t have been able to be with him all the time even if I hadn’t gone on exchange.

At first, we both tried hard to keep our relationship despite the distance. But then I felt that he was backing off. When I came back, I found out that he has another girlfriend at college. He is not together with her right at the moment because they had a fight or something. I met with him and he told me he is in a really difficult situation right now because he has feelings for me and for the other girl, too. He said his feelings for me were asleep until he saw me again. Still, he said that being in a relationship when we are in different cities is impossible, so we are broken up. He has another year in college, and I have to repeat the year I took as an exchange student. So, he’ll probably get back with this other girl. But I plan to go to college in the same city he lives in after I graduate. So, at least it’s possible we could be together again. I really want to have him back, but at the same time I want him to be happy and I’m torn to pieces because of everything that’s happened. I know he has feelings for me, but the thought that there is another girl in his life is just killing me and I don’t know what to do. I wonder how I could get together with him again but I’m not really sure I should even try. I also wonder if I shouldn’t just let him go. It hurts to let him go because I love him and I don’t know what to do. I’m lost.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course there’s no way I can give you accurate advice without a lot more information. So, please accept my comments only as some suggestions for you to consider.

You and your one-time boyfriend are still quite young and have a lot of living to do. You have many competing interests. Entering and maintaining a serious relationship takes time, energy, patience, fidelity, and a lot of maturity and commitment. You seem just a bit more ready for more of a commitment than he does, but neither of you seems really ready for a long-term relationship. Give yourself some time and space. And give yourself ample opportunity to grow and pursue some of the other goals and interests that are normal for a person of your age. If you are really the right person for him, and he the right person for you, it should become apparent in time. This is probably not the end of the world. In fact, you’re just beginning one of the most exciting periods of your life. Enjoy it. As with your exchange student experience, it’s an opportunity that doesn’t come along every day.