Was I a Sexual Abuser?

Reader’s Question

I have been struggling with guilt over some childhood behaviors for a long time and really need to talk to somebody. I’m a 19-year-old female, and when I was about age 9 or 10 I used to occasionally play with a girl whose mother was a friend of my mom. This girl was a few years younger than me. Mostly, we played the usual childhood games. But sometimes, we’d engage in some sexual behavior like “dry-humping” fully clothed. I don’t remember exactly how it started but sometimes she’d ask me to engage in such play and sometimes I’d initiate it. At the time, I was getting pretty curious about stuff like that and the contact with this girl felt good so we engaged in this behavior a couple of times.

I feel terribly guilty because I was older and because the behavior just wasn’t right. I can’t stop thinking that I possibly scarred this girl for life and that what I did was really sexual abuse instead of childish curiosity and play. When I think about it, I get so disgusted with myself that it’s begun to take a toll on me. I can’t focus in class, and I’m having panic attacks and tachycardia. It’s even affecting my interactions with people, especially kids because I feel so guilty around them. I wonder if there isn’t something wrong with me and what I can do to make this hurting stop.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As children develop, so does their awareness of and interest in things of a sexual nature. It’s not uncommon for preschool age children not only to touch their own body parts, but also to touch the parts of others just to experience the sensation. Grade school-aged children experiment with sexual words and also engage in “games” of a sexual nature that can include kissing, fondling, exposure, as well as simulations of other sexual behavior. Such activity in younger children is not necessarily limited to same age peers, as younger children tend to have playmates of varying ages, although very large age gaps among playmates is uncommon. Children in early to mid adolescence tend to experiment with sexual behaviors more deliberately, but usually with others closer to their own age.

The difference between childhood sexual experimentation and abuse has a lot to do with the nature of the relationship between parties. If one party is considerably older, stronger, and the other party experiences coercion of some manner (wanting to please a trusted elder can also be a form of coercion), there can be a definite problem. However, from what you describe, it appears that you probably are dealing with an excessive and unwarranted level of guilt. You seem focused on the fact that you were older and should have known better, but in fact you and your playmate were both quite young and the behaviors you describe are more typical of experimental play than genuine abuse. You also worry that you might have done some lasting psychological damage to your friend. Most sexual experimentation of the kind you describe is not only normal but tends to produce no lasting negative effects. When lasting effects do occur as the result of genuine abuse, they appear to be influenced by several factors that I outlined in another recent post called The Impact of Past Sexual Abuse on Current Relationships.

You indicate that you really want to talk to someone. That seems like a great idea. Working with a counselor and sharing the full nature and extent of your concerns can not only help you to get a better perspective on the nature of the events that occurred in your childhood but also can help you work through your unresolved guilt and overcome the depression and anxiety you’ve been experiencing.