Our Love Life Has Deteriorated Since My Wife Disclosed Past Abuse

Reader’s Question

My wife and I have been married for 28 years. About 8 years into the marriage, she disclosed that she was sexually abused as a child. Up to that point, our sex life had been fairly active. In the last 6 years, our sex life has become virtually non-existent. Prior to that, my wife participated in sex but appeared genuinely disinterested, only going along with it because it’s what I wanted. It felt more like she was fulfilling a duty than really wanting to have sex with me. Lately, she expresses an interest about every three months or so, but I do not see the point because I get enthralled and want to get back to a more active sex life — and she is not interested in that. Do you have any suggestions?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The emotional and psychological fallout from past sexual abuse impacts many areas of a person’s life. I wrote about this briefly in a recent post called The Impact of Past Sexual Abuse on Current Relationships. But perhaps nowhere is the impact of past sexual abuse felt more acutely than within a marriage. As impacting as the effects are, they can be even more intense when the abused party attempts to heal.

It’s quite possible that your wife was self-initiating the healing process when she stopped keeping her painful secret and disclosed her abuse to you. It’s also likely that in so doing, she necessarily re-opened some old wounds. Besides that, the greatest toll taken on any relationship as the result of past sexual abuse is the fear it may create of deeper-level intimacy requiring a level of trust and openness that permits one person to completely give themselves over to another. Sexual intimacy represents another great fear, and many times sexual abuse survivors use the defense mechanism of dissociation to emotionally detach themselves from painful associations during sex. It is not uncommon for non-abused marital partners to complain about how their spouse appears to be merely going through the motions.

The fact that your wife still reaches out to you sexually, though not as frequently or in the manner you might prefer, is nonetheless a very good sign that she still wants intimacy with you and wants to heal. It’s long been known that sexual abuse affects the non-abused marital partner significantly as well. But you can be a vital part of your wife’s healing process and help take your relationship — both emotional and sexual — to a higher level of intimacy and mutual enjoyment.

Encourage your wife to talk with a professional who specializes in the area of sexual abuse healing. Offer to be a part of that process and be willing to do your own counseling as well as any conjoint counseling that might be recommended. Above all, let her know that you are there for her and that she is not at fault for the emotional damage she sustained in the abuse. Acknowledge the fact that both of you have been experiencing emotional pain related to the abuse and that you have your own healing work to do. Recognize also that many marriages are not strong enough to handle the effects of sexual abuse. But you can take some heart in the notion that each of you endured despite hardship and possess the power to help each other heal.