My Mother Seems Blind to My Father’s Abuse

Reader’s Question

My father abuses my mother and has for a long time. The problem is that she doesn’t want to see it. Every summer since I was 12 my father would get mad because of insignificant things, kick us out of the house, and then start berating my mother. His abuse is mostly verbal and emotional. I grew up afraid of him and seeing my mother fear him, too. I have problems trusting people because of this. But the hardest thing for me has been slowly watching my mother lose her vitality and former zest for life. She was once very outgoing and fun-loving, but over the years she has become anxious and depressed. She suffered cancer but recovered. Still, she can’t enjoy life. I’m worried because although I’ve told her time and again that the most healthy thing to do would be to leave my father, she always finds an excuse to stay. Sometimes she protests that things are not always bad and will be better soon. Sometimes she worries that she has nowhere to go (going to live with her mother seems to her to be uncomfortable). Sometimes she even entertains the notion that God is somehow testing her love and is trying to make her stronger.

I’m really worried lately because things seem to be getting worse. My father has threatened to hurt or even kill my mother. Although we initially thought that maybe he made such threats under the influence of alcohol, my father insists he was sober. He has my mom so intimidated that she hides in a corner. I’m afraid to confront him or he may increase his attacks on her.

I’m about to leave my home town to attend college, but I can’t bear to think of my mom still with him. How can I get her to see the problem and seek a solution? I don’t want to get a call from the police telling me my dad sent her to the hospital or something.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

The situation you describe is unfortunately very common in abuse situations. Abusers of all types use a variety of highly effective psychological weapons to manipulate, intimidate, and keep others under their control. It’s also typical of victims to engage in a lot of denial, minimizing, rationalization, etc. about their situation. But in addition to these things, victims are often effectively brainwashed into thinking that things really are their fault. What’s more, at a very deep unconscious level, they know that they’re most vulnerable when they don’t accede to the demands of their oppressor (a disproportionate number of victim deaths occur when the victim makes the decision to finally end the relationship). So, they delude themselves into thinking that all things considered, they’re safer caving in to the abuser’s demands.

Victims don’t start thinking clearly again until they’re out of the abusive situation for awhile. Even then, sometimes, and especially if the abuser is skilled at manipulation tactics like casting himself as the wounded party, the victim can be uncomfortable with cutting ties. But in time, and with proper support, victims can recover a more balanced perspective and learn to live life again. The most important factor in helping the victim wrest free of their oppressor is to have a very solid safety plan and support network. It’s important for the victim not to be alone and to have concrete plans in place for helping secure her safety. Abusers don’t like to have their influence or perverted sense of authority and power threatened. So they don’t take “no” lying down. But when they sense that they face an armada of support as opposed to a single person whose will they’ve managed to batter for years, it’s another matter.

It’s also important for abuse victims to have some sense of control. They can’t be forced into actions they’re afraid of taking. So it’s of utmost importance that they realize that family, friends, and other support resources have rallied on their behalf and are available when she’s ready to take the steps toward reclaiming her life.

There are many social service agencies, even in your country, that specialize in intervening in abuse situations. They are always happy to counsel concerned family members and to help fashion a plan inasmuch as victims themselves are often reluctant to seek help on their own.