My Boyfriend’s Mother Controls Everything

Reader’s Question

I want to dump my boyfriend because of his overly controlling and psychotic mother! My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. My boyfriend is 24 and lives at home with two other siblings to help take care of their disabled father. However, his mother controls everything in their lives. She decides where they can go, when they can go, and how long they can be gone. They have to ask permission to leave and she always sends them on guilt trips for wanting to get out of the house. My boyfriend feels he must do everything she says or his mother will flip out on him.

This woman takes her 18-year-old daughter’s social security checks and keeps them in a safe in her room. She screams at her children, tells them they’re worthless and gets extremely upset and jealous when they appear happier being somewhere else. I honestly think she believes everyone should cater to her needs. I also think she favors one of her sons and hates my boyfriend. She has told him as much before and constantly puts him down and makes fun of him. Yet she takes 50% of his unemployment check for rent and whatever else she wants him to buy for her. She doesn’t make anyone else pay rent.

My boyfriend’s father can’t think too clearly because of a brain injury. The mother has him believing that no one cares about him but her and that his children are miserable creatures.

What on Earth can I do to help stop this unhealthy behavior? I think my boyfriend is depressed because of these things, and I am totally fed up with this woman.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While it’s not possible to be make an accurate assessment of your situation remotely, there are some issues you raise about which some basic principles necessarily apply.

You have been in a fairly longstanding relationship with your boyfriend. The decisions you make about whether this is the guy for you or what kind of relationship you want to have with him are solely yours to make. Those decisions should be based primarily upon your assessment of his character and the manner in which he relates to you. It seems that both of you need to be firmer with respect to the limits and boundaries you set with respect to any relationship with his mother. But focusing too much attention her way not only makes her a convenient scapegoat but also necessarily breeds frustration. In the end, you can’t control her. Besides that, she can’t really control anybody else unless they allow it.

Sometimes you have to set a limit to simply not put yourself in a position to endure verbal or emotional abuse. It’s also important not to allow yourself to become part of a negative “relationship triangle” in which you inadvertently take on an enabling role.

It’s probably time for you and your boyfriend to have a serious meeting of the minds about what you want in your relationship and what limits and boundaries you’re both willing to set to help foster the relationship you want. Try not to get distracted by the behavior of a third party whose behavior you can’t control anyway. Without her as the scapegoat, you’ll see more clearly what decisions you need to make with regard to your boyfriend.