My Long-Distance Relationship is Making Me Crazy

Reader’s Question

My fiancé is in the military. He hasn’t been home since January. I do fly out to meet him every 2-3 months, wherever he might be. The last time I did this was in April. One night I woke up, and I started to wonder if I was happy in my relationship. I also wondered if I loved him. But the reality is that I am happy, and I do love this man. So, I don’t quite understand why I’m having such thoughts. I had some of the same thoughts today. It depresses me so much to have them, and I get scared that I might not really be happy after all. When I look toward the future with him, I know that I will be happy. During those times when we are together, everything is fine. We rarely fight. Could it just be the distance? Does everyone in a similar situation as mine go through this? How do I get these thoughts out of my head? They’re making me crazy and depressed!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you appear to be experiencing is very normal, given your circumstances. What you describe is common not only to long-distance relationships, but to any relationship in which significant separations occur. The big culprit in such situations is the fact that when you’re apart from your fiancé, you naturally grow somewhat accustomed to not being with him. As a result, the things that you enjoy about his company and that give you the emotional “high” you experience with him are gone for a time. It’s almost like “withdrawal.” During the withdrawal, you’re likely to feel pretty badly and then to question whether the relationship really brings you joy.

One way to help counteract this is to spend a lot more time doing things that have the potential to restore that emotional “high.” You indicate you feel good again when you think about your future together. That’s a good example. So, when bad thoughts come, try replacing them with any of the many thoughts or memories you know can make you feel good. Even when you can’t be with him, keep the lines of communication as open and as frequent as possible and use the time to talk and muse about the things you know elicit a sense of joy. Do some planning during the times you talk or are together and set some short-term goals so that you have a variety of things to look forward to besides his eventual homecoming. Most of all, don’t get down on yourself or question yourself about the mixed feelings and thoughts you’ve been having. They’re perfectly normal.