Will Selling My House Get Rid of My Bad Memories?

Reader’s Question

I just recently went through a divorce from my husband of 6 years. He was controlling and was diagnosed with a personality disorder. In fact, everything in your “Are You Dating a Loser?” article applies to him. Consequently, I’m still dealing with the emotional aftermath of having been in a relationship with him.

I was awarded the house in the divorce settlement. It was my house for several years before we were married, and almost all of the work ever done on the house was done by me with no involvement from my husband. I have always really liked the house and feel kind of attached to it. However, I haven’t moved back in yet due to the memories, stress and emotions that come up when I return. Is this something I need to try to work through? If so, how can I do that? Or should I just sell it and start over in a new place?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Traumatic experiences often make such an emotion-laden impression on us that they are hard, if not impossible to forget. That said, we can learn to “desensitize” ourselves to the pain associated with past traumatic events. Things that appear to determine the strength of the impressions left on us include how long the traumatic events lasted, how intensely emotionally upsetting the events were, and to what degree a person was able to moderate their exposure to the trauma. Generally speaking, the more traumatic the experience, the more difficult it is to desensitize ourselves. Besides that, memories and learned responses are not typically “erased” but rather diminished with appropriate healing. So, some people find it necessary to radically change their environments if the bad memories associated with a particular place are too many and too deep.

You indicate that despite the traumatic years you spent in the house, you have some very fond memories and made some substantial investments. That could bode very well for eventually healing, even if you stay in your home. So, it might be a good idea to give it some time and perhaps to even work with a counselor who specializes in post-traumatic stress and/or desensitization techniques. If you don’t recover the ability to enjoy the home you put so much into and had grown to love, then you may indeed need to contemplate starting over in a completely new environment.