How to Deal with Negative People

Reader’s Question

I think my mom has a personality disorder. She is always so negative. When the topic of my niece’s college came up in discussion, my mother stated: “What kind of parents send their child to Queens College? No one who goes there amounts to anything.” In fact, I went to that same college my freshman year while enduring a barrage of insults from my mother for being so bad a student that I couldn’t go anywhere else. That was 30 years ago.

My mother’s behavior is not new. She has always been negative. I am 45 and have been on the receiving end of many put downs from her throughout my life, but I decided to maintain a relationship because I love my Dad. My mother hurls insults with ease but is also easily offended. At my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah I gave a toast thanking my in-laws and wife for all their help and hard work. My parents (who did not help out one iota) were not thanked in my toast. My parents were honored many times at the party, just not during the toast. I didn’t realize they were offended at first, but they failed to show at the day-after celebration. I called them every day afterward to find out what was wrong. My father said nothing, and my mother never got on the phone. Neither of them called my daughter to tell her how proud they were of her many accomplishments or my 9-year-old daughter who showed great poise that night, giving a lengthy prayer before 200 people and a beautiful toast to her sister. My father eventually called to apologize for his behavior, but my mother has still not called my family. I think my dad is an enabler when it comes to my mom’s behavior and always makes excuses for her. How do I keep a decent relationship with my Dad while my mother is inflaming it with her negativity?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Dealing with negative people can indeed be difficult. There are some professionals that recognize the “negativistic personality” as a distinct personality type.

Negativistic personalities tend to find the disappointing or gloomy side of just about anything. They sometimes appear to relish in the misfortune of others and seem to enjoy brooding and moaning about the less than perfect world they live in. Most of these individuals have low self-esteem and attempt to increase their own sense of worth by either putting down others or seeking the unconditional validation of others. They are adept at soliciting attention, albeit negative attention, through their sarcasm and hard-to-please demeanor. Many of these individuals are chronically depressed at least to a mild to moderate degree, and their negativity is a reflection of their distorted, pessimistic world view. Sometimes these personalities even think they’re doing others a favor by “goading” them into high levels of performance and achievement. Other times, they attempt to avoid the sting of disappointment by expecting the worst. Worst of all, such personalities have a difficult time celebrating the success of others because it invites them to feel worse than they already do about themselves.

Unfortunately, the best way to deal with negative personalities doesn’t come naturally. Instinctively we react with negativity, hurt, and disappointment to such individuals. But experts agree that with time and practice, any of us can learn how to handle negative personalities better. Here are some guidelines:

• Don’t reinforce negative situations or conversations. If something negative comes up, change the subject quickly. Do not argue back, simply refuse to engage in negative banter.
• Re-frame negative statements with a more positive “spin.” Eventually, the negative person will tire of trying to create a negative atmosphere.
• Try to confine your interactions with negative people to situations in which other, more positive people are present.
• Give unsolicited praise to the negative person for any of their more positive attributes. Recognize the positive. Ignore the negative.
• Lastly, resist the urge to be negative yourself. Don’t try to correct or argue with such folks. Simply assert your ability to keep a more positive tone to any encounter.