My Boyfriend and I Quarrel All the Time

Reader’s Question

I have an issue with my current boyfriend, and this has been going on for some time. The problem is that we quarrel a lot and mostly about the same kinds of things. When we first started dating, it was 2-3 weeks from Christmas. We argued over whether he should spend his Christmas and New Year’s Eve with me or with his friends. We had another quarrel 1-2 weeks before a trip I had scheduled for my birthday. We quarrel once a month, and personally I really wonder what the root cause of these quarrels is.

My boyfriend is the eldest in his family and works as a bank officer. He’s only had 2 other girlfriends before me. He still likes to hang out with his friends, some of whom are bachelors as well.

I am the youngest in my family, and I am a product specialist and have my own business. I tend to work 9am to 10/11pm at night 5-7 days a week. My last relationship was 4-5 years back and it was a long distance relationship. I’ve had a fair bit of ups and downs in all my previous relationships.

My dad has taken issue with some of my choices in boyfriends in the past and almost disowned me once. Two of my ex-boyfriends two-timed me. I “recovered” from one of these bad relationships by drowning my sorrows in booze to the point that I was knocked out for a day but then simply moved on in life. After that I was hesitant to enter another relationship until half a year back when I started going out with my current boyfriend.

When I first started dating him, I can’t say that I really liked him a lot, but I believed he would be someone I could depend on for life. Lately, however, when I make moves to test the waters about a deeper commitment, I end up feeling disappointed because so many of his behaviors suggest he has no desire to settle down.

I wonder if I’m expecting too much from my boyfriend or if our personalities clash too much. I also wonder if I was too pampered in the past and if my expectations of deeper involvement are unrealistic.

I really need help in this.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course it’s not possible to make an accurate assessment remotely, but there are some points you make that merit some discussion. You state that you have a record of picking boyfriends who two-time you and that your choices have at least once influenced your father to threaten to disown you. You also mention that when you met your current boyfriend, you didn’t really like him that much but thought he’d be dependable. Yet, you seem to be saying that your quarrels center around whether he really wants to put you first in a relationship and make a deeper level commitment. Then you question yourself, wondering if your expectations are valid or if you haven’t always been too “pampered.”

From all you indicate, it seems that you don’t really know yourself all that well and are unsure of what you’re looking for in a relationship. If that’s the case, it’s probably a good thing that you haven’t yet settled down with a guy (or started to raise a family, for that matter). You might want to consider some self-exploration with a counselor or therapist as a way of clarifying your own wants and needs. It’s hard to have a relationship that holds promise when we’re unsure of ourselves and what our legitimate desires are. A good relationship or personal growth counselor can help you sort through the issues you might need to resolve to have a better idea of what you need to do to have healthier, more meaningful, and less conflict-laden relationships.