My Girlfriend Found Emails to My Ex

Reader’s Question

I’m a 26-year-old male from Venezuela. My girlfriend Vanessa is 21 years old, and we have been together for a little over 3 years. My problem is that my girlfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. She complained that I was not the same person I was when we first started going together. She also said she needed time and space to think about the change in my behavior and to be alone. Even after she said that, we still went out nearly every day and things seemed to be going well. Then, about 2 weeks ago, my girlfriend checked my email account and found that I had been getting a couple of emails a month from an ex that lives en Miami. In those emails I said stuff like I miss her and that I still like her, etc. You know, these are the kinds of things you might say to an old girlfriend and even if they don’t really mean anything, you certainly wouldn’t want your girlfriend to see them. Well, my girlfriend got super mad at me and told me that we were over because she doesn’t love me anymore and she can’t trust me.

I really love my girlfriend and I don’t want to lose her over this. What can I do to win her back? Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When two people enter into a relationship that is more than casual, trust, fidelity, and commitment really matter. Your girlfriend noticed something different about your behavior and gave you fair warning that she was needing some time and space. That would have been a great time to shore up your level of commitment and let her know how invested you are in her. Instead, you were corresponding with and saying things to an ex-girlfriend that you knew would not sit very well with your girlfriend if she found out. In fact, your girlfriend did find out, and what she learned confirmed for her that you have not behaved like the person she thought you were; you betrayed her trust.

As for what you can do, the answer is plenty. If you really love this woman and want to remain in a relationship with her, you can demonstrate to her that you’re willing to earn her trust and to keep a commitment. Earning that trust and demonstrating that commitment won’t be easy, either. You can’t expect someone who’s been betrayed to simply forgive and forget right away. And, if you put too much pressure on her to give you the benefit of the doubt, you will only cause her to question your level of commitment once again. So, it’s up to you to demonstrate clearly that you’re every bit the person your girlfriend thought she was getting involved with in the first place. This will take some time and you’ll certainly have to change some of your ways. Even then, there will be no guarantees. You’ll also need to do some soul-searching. You said that you said some things to your ex that you knew you couldn’t let your girlfriend see but that they didn’t really mean anything. You also sent the message to your girlfriend by your behavior that your promises to her probably didn’t mean that much either. It’s one thing to want somebody, it’s another thing to behave in such a manner that you earn or deserve their love and commitment.