Boundaries, War by Proxy, and Family Ties

Reader’s Question

I’m in a difficult situation in my relationship with my boyfriend. Even though I think any objective third party would probably advise me to get out of relationship and fast, I have not done so because we’ve been together for a year and a half and I love him very much. Here’s the situation.

Back in January I found out that my boyfriend that had been arguing with his older brother and his parents about me. They have been saying that I was not good for him and that he should leave me. His family is very old-fashioned, and all three boys ages 25, 29, and 33 still live at home and operate a family business together. My boyfriend hardly went out before he began dating me. He just worked, worked and worked in the family business. My boyfriend told me not to worry and that the family’s upset with our relationship would pass. But as time went on, stories surfaced about me that were not true, and conversations were twisted to make me look bad. I even took the step of personally trying to clear the air about rumors that were swirling, but it didn’t help. My boyfriend’s mother never let up. She is very protective of her sons and stirs the pot.

Everything exploded a week before our spring break vacation and the family all got into a huge fight. I received threatening text messages from my boyfriend’s older brother saying things like if my boyfriend ends up moving out my family will have to pay. I quickly called my boyfriend to make sure things were OK, but his mother would not let me speak to him and yelled at me and blamed me for all the problems. My own parents got involved after I flew off the handle on the phone with her.

My boyfriend went into some sort of depression for a few weeks I think with all the drama and stress and mental abuse he was putting up with. Don’t get me wrong, I do put some of the blame on him for letting the situation reach that point. After our trip to Mexico I told him that we needed to take a break. I felt like for him to get things straightened out with his family, I should not be involved for awhile because it causes so much chaos. He promised me that at all costs he would make things work. I said that we’d speak in three months. But we re-connected after about two months. We both realised that we wanted things to work out at all costs more than ever and we began seeing each other for a few weeks without our parents’ knowledge. I eventually told my parents the truth and told my boyfriend he should do the same.

I don’t want to give up on this relationship, but the future does not look good. We are not even married, and his mother already despises me for no good reason. Some of her actions seem less than genuine. She says that her son (my boyfriend) is “dead to her” but he still lives in her home.

I probably have answered a lot of my own questions, but I’d like a second opinion. Should I get out of this relationship now or give my boyfriend more time to resolve these family issues?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course, only you can decide what course to take and you are right to say that you have already alluded to many of the right “answers” you’re already aware of.

There is one thing, however, that really stands out in your situation and that you might not be giving sufficient attention to. That issue is boundaries. Whether it is the enmeshing of business and personal affairs, the conducting of war by proxy by the parents, or you and your boyfriend setting timetables or instituting a time-out and then reneging on them, no one seems to abide by appropriate limits or boundaries. Responsible adult living requires that a person be able to recognize, set, enforce and respect appropriate limits and boundaries. For you and your boyfriend to have a mature, healthy relationship, you will have to do a better job defining what kinds of behaviors you will tolerate as well as what kinds of things you’ll let yourself do. You’ll also have to draw some lines about where your relationship with one another begins and the relationships you have with others end.

Sometimes we have the intellectual capacity and mental maturity to recognize what the appropriate limits and boundaries should be. But having the level of emotional maturity that will enable a relationship to work depends more on a person’s willingness to abide by those limits and boundaries.