Having an Affair With Another Guy, And the Father of My Children Doesn’t Know

Reader’s Question

I’m in a very tough situation right now. I love my boyfriend very much, and we have been together for 15 years. But recently, I started getting together with another guy. My boyfriend does not know about this. I think I’m falling in love with this other guy and we have already had sexual affairs together. This whole thing is hard because I still love my boyfriend very much, and I have two children by him. The other guy is acting like he is obsessed with me and it seems like he is changing his whole life for me. What can I do? What should I do? Please help! I’m VERY CONFUSED!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It would be inappropriate to give direct advice about what course of action you should take with respect to choosing a relationship. However, there are many indications you could benefit from counseling. Although traditional counseling might have limited benefit, there are counselors who specializes in helping individuals who have limited awareness of how their patterns of behavior prevent them from achieving emotional balance as well as relationship commitments.

There are some fairly significant red flags for your likely need of a counselor that specializes in character development issues. First, you indicate some surprise that you are in emotional turmoil despite the fact that you chose to place yourself between a rock and a hard place. Second, you indicate that you have had children with a person you’ve been with for 15 years and love dearly, yet fidelity and commitment seem to be absent from the relationship. Lastly, you indicate that you’re not really sure which way to go, which in this case is a fairly clear indication that you lack the kind of internal compass that would help you make the appropriate decision on your own.

As for right now, it would probably be a good idea for you to stop digging the hole you’ve been digging and give yourself some much needed time-out from this untenable situation before it’s too late. Then, get involved in some counseling, but be sure the counselor is well-versed in character development issues and techniques.