I’m Torn between My Present Wife and My First Wife

Reader’s Question

I’m glad to have this service as an option for a complicated situation that I’ve created. I’ve been married for 14 years. I’m my wife’s third husband and she is my second wife. Recently, I called my first wife because she has been on my mind for many, many years. She left me after 1.5 years of dating in college and 4 months of marriage to pursue a career that she desperately wanted. She has told me many times that it was a mistake for her. She divorced 6 years ago and has 3 boys. I tracked her down because I wanted to hear how she was doing. But I’ve also always felt that our divorce was a mistake. Things are “OK” in my current marriage, but there is usually little affection and the relationship seems to just “be there” with no fire. I think my wife is more enamored with the material things we have. I believe she also struggles mightily with self-esteem issues which cause her to frequently criticize me publicly to the point that I’m embarrassed and wonder if it isn’t a sign that she’s unhappy with our marriage.

I recently arranged to meet my first wife on a business trip, and we instantly reconnected; I cannot stop thinking about her and she cannot stop thinking about me. The secret phone calls and the secret emails, etc. we have fill a void within me I didn’t realize was so vast. I rationalize doing these things because I’ve suspected infidelity on my wife’s part, although I have no proof. Most of me wants to be back together with my first wife, but I don’t want to hurt my current wife.

I read some of your related articles and let me address the topic of stress/depression because I noted the caution of other clinical psychologists. I recently began taking an antidepressant for chronic stress (high blood pressure, panic attacks, etc. that had been occurring for 6 months). Thank goodness for chemistry because, while I was resistant to accepting that I needed the meds, I finally feel normal and much, much better.

WHAT am I doing here? I’m SO torn…

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

First of all, prepare yourself for an answer you might not really like. Second, it’s important to remember that it’s not really possible to make a full or accurate assessment of your situation. However, some of the facts you present are very revealing and speak for themselves.

You are presently taking medication for hypertension, panic attacks, stress and depression. Sometimes our biochemistry becomes altered for no apparent reason. Other times, however, our lifestyle and our behaviors contribute significantly to the stress we experience. When this is true, medicating the symptoms only enables us to keep doing the things we’ve been doing to engender the stress (and experience the symptoms) in the first place.

You admit that you’ve been doing some rationalizing as well as second-guessing the motivations of others. It also appears you’re not really sure of your own motivations or desires. You and your partners do not appear to have a track record of stability or sound judgment. You would probably do well to secure a counselor and engage in some sincere self-exploration to heighten your awareness about what you truly need vs. what you think you want and what you think will invigorate you or reduce your stress. Once you’ve worked through the issues needing attention, you’ll be more clear-headed about how to maintain a fulfilling relationship with a significant other.