How Do I Resist Letting My Mother’s Manipulations Control Me?

Reader’s Question

My mother was raised poor and in an emotionally and physically abusive family. As a result, she has little real self-assurance, is quick to hostility, and is very, very manipulative. She married my father when she was 17 to escape her family situation. She had a difficult time adjusting to married life and often threatened to leave my father. My father died when I was 10 of a massive heart attack, and I have no doubt that my mother’s constant temper tantrums led, in part, to his demise. After she was widowed, my mother’s grip on me tightened. In fact, until I was 45, my mother and I were pretty much inseparable. I shared her world view, her likes, her dislikes, etc. I even remained a virgin until 45 — believe it or not because my mother had me convinced that I would burn in hell if I slept with a man. My mother also had me convinced that I couldn’t make it on my own or without her money.

I finally moved out on my own and resisted her constant pleas to move in with me. I also met the man who is now my fiancé. He is African-American. My mother is deeply racist, and when she found out about our relationship, she told me that I could no longer see him. When I refused, she disowned me. We have only spoken about 4 times over the past six years. The last time she called was about two weeks ago. She left a voicemail in which she accused me of taking money from her bank account and threatened to “put the law” on me if I did not call her to explain why her money was missing. Instead, I wrote her a note in which I told her that I did not steal her money. At the end of the note, I told her that I wished her well but did not want her to contact me again if she was only doing so out of anger.

My brother speaks to my mother infrequently. (She disowned him for a number of years because he lived with his wife prior to marriage. Their relationship has never recovered.) He also lives across the country. I live within 5 miles of my mother, who is in her late 80s and will eventually suffer some kind of physical decline. I have already informed her doctors of the situation. Hence, her doctors know my mother is without assistance and their offices can make appropriate arrangements for her in case of emergency. I have been pondering what I would do in case she does become very ill. My first inclination is to divorce myself from her entirely now as I value the new life I have built and do not wish for her to ruin it. On the other hand, I feel overwhelming guilt at even thinking of not helping an aged relative. How can I reconcile these feelings?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A big part of mature, adult living is establishing and keeping reasonable limits and boundaries. Maintaining your own identity and independently managing your own affairs is essential to functioning as a healthy adult. That said, should the need arise you can always decide what you will or won’t do to help your mother should she become infirm or disabled. You can maintain your boundaries and set reasonable limits regarding what you will do to help without jeopardizing your own life or future. The most important thing is not to be manipulated by an excessive or false sense of guilt. If you had truly done something malicious to your mother, you’d have reason to feel guilty. Living your own life is not something to feel bad about. You may undertake the effort to be of support to your mother, but that doesn’t mean you have to abandon your own life or needs. If you have trouble determining where the limits and boundaries need to be set, perhaps talking things over with a counselor will help you sort things through.