Is My Boyfriend Experiencing Asperger’s Disorder or Depression?

Reader’s Question

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. In the beginning, we had a very strong connection and felt an almost instant bond that led to good communication, sharing feelings, and above all “secret” sharing. We shared that we have had depressions, but he also shared his suspicion that he might have an undiagnosed Asperger’s Disorder or a high functioning other form of autism.

If my boyfriend doesn’t have a constant connection to the world, he just lets himself drift along in a dark silent solitude, isolating himself from everyone and everything. He has episodes of this kind of behavior that I have come to call “black holes”, and in spite of my deep love for him I suffer immensely when that happens. To bring him out of these periods is a slow, painful, process with many tears from both of us and a desperate hope to deal with it.

What really worries me is that we are planning to start a life together, and I know we both need help. I really love my boyfriend deeply, but then I really need to get some help too, help to know how to deal with this, how to help him and teach him it is possible to have a better life.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A. Although it’s not possible to make an accurate assessment of this situation remotely, some things that you describe are important to note. First, you indicate that when you and your boyfriend first met there was fairly instant emotional bonding and sharing with open communication. Individuals with Asperger’s Disorder or any form of Autism (whether they be relatively high functioning or not) would typically be overwhelmed with such things and therefore would not engage in the behaviors you describe. You also indicate that you and your boyfriend have had periods of depression, and some of the behaviors you describe are in fact seen during depressive episodes. It would seem that some premarital counseling as well as a thorough diagnostic assessment by a trained mental health professional might be the best avenue to help you sort things out and help prepare for a life together that holds promise instead of being full of anxiety, uncertainty, and worry.