Since Our Child Was Born, One of Us is Always Not in the Mood for Sex

Reader’s Question

My husband and I have been together for over two years and have a 9 month old son. Ever since our son was born our sex life has changed dramatically. My husband and I are usually both very tired at the end of the day and one of us is always not in the mood. Maybe we have sex once a month. When we met, my husband was still a virgin and he doesn’t like to take initiative. So, usually I’m the one taking the initiative. My husband also has a problem with condoms and that has also had a big effect on our sexual relationship. Sometimes, he will start kissing me and touching me in the middle of the night, but that makes me feel like he only wants to have sex when he can’t see my face.

Can you please tell me what’s wrong? We have a lot on our minds lately and I don’t want to lose him, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He keeps on telling me that he doesn’t know what’s wrong. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon for couples to experience changes in both their desire for sex as well as their pattern of sexual activity after the birth of a child. The emotional investment of child-rearing and the increased responsibilities of parenthood can greatly affect a couple’s sex life. It also appears that in your situation there may have been some issues potentially affecting a healthy sex life that existed even before you were married and had a child. Counseling might prove a beneficial avenue for you both to explore. It can help you sort out your needs and feelings and facilitate more open and meaningful communication between you.

Another thing to consider is how important it is for couples with families to be sure to make time for each other. Sure, the demands of living and parenting are significant, but maintaining a healthy intimate relationship is also important. Important matters need time and attention. Some counselors advise couples to mark their calendars for regular “dates” or other times spent enjoying one another’s company and nurturing intimacy. Not only does such activity often renew sexual interest, but also it facilitates the kind of sexual encounter that has the potential to deepen the character of your relationship. So, consider visiting a counselor, and even if you don’t, remember to make time for one another.