He’s Not There for Me, But Should I Give Him Another Chance?

Reader’s Question

I have been dating a guy for 4 years, but now I do not know if I should just break up with him for good or if I should give my relationship one more chance. I feel that I still love him. But the problem is that I feel he is not there for me emotionally when I need him. For instance, when I got pregnant and had a miscarriage with his baby, I’d tell him how I felt and he could see that I was hurting, but he really didn’t pay much attention to me or take me seriously. That made me cool to the idea of sex with him, but when I suggested we abstain for awhile while I sorted things out, he cheated on me. Now he says he wants things to work out and maybe even get married but won’t get tested for STDs before we resume sexual activity. I told him about my concerns two years ago and he kept saying he would change but he hasn’t. I’m not comfortable having sex with him unless he gets an HIV test, but I am also afraid that if I don’t have sex with him he’ll give himself another excuse to cheat on me again. How should I handle this situation?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have to make a decision about whether you want your potential life partner and father to your children to be primarily invested in emotionally supporting his family or tending to his own wants and needs. You say this man is not “there” for you emotionally, and you cite his infidelity when he felt denied, and you say he’s promised to change before but hasn’t. Yet you say you can’t decide what to do because you think you still love him. It seems time for you to do some sincere soul-searching about what you want in a relationship, what still attracts you to your boyfriend, and why you are having such ambivalence about your future prospects with him.

Having a pregnancy and a miscarriage is no small issue, and if you genuinely feel that your boyfriend was insufficiently sensitive to your concerns during that tender time, then it certainly appears that he is at best immature or perhaps at worst of deficient character. Four years is plenty of time to get to know someone if your eyes have been open and if you’ve been honest with yourself. Married life will be full of trials and stresses. Some of them will deeply affect you emotionally. Only you can decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone whom you believe might not “be there” when you most need him.