Children Aren’t Responsible for Parents’ Destructive or Abusive Behavior

Reader’s Question

I’m a 14-year-old girl, and I think need some help.

I live with my mom, who is a house wife, and my dad, who owns a bakery. They don’t sleep together, but we live in one house. I have three brothers and one sister. My sister and one brother have their own families, but still keep in touch with us. My eldest brother helps our dad with his work, and my other brother who just graduated from college is living with me and our parents. I’m the youngest in the family and just graduated from grade school this year. We used to be more wealthy until the bakery fell on hard times.

My concern is that my mom is always yelling and shouting, especially at me. I always feel stressed by this. I am sensitive about my family, and I get my feelings hurt easily. My brother says I have “attitude problems” and so does one of my best friends, but I honestly can’t figure out what’s wrong with my attitude. I mean, in school I’m nice, outgoing, loving and caring. I always pray to God and I do meditations, avoid negative things around me, and try to be a good Christian.

But my mom treats me like I’m a negative person.

Here’s an example. Just last week I was in the shower when I heard her calling me from downstairs. I yelled back that I was taking a shower several times but I heard her calling me again and again. After dressing, I rushed downstairs and she asked: “Why weren’t you answering me?” I told her that I had tried to answer her and that I was taking a shower, but she didn’t believe me and slapped me on the face. My brother came rushing downstairs and confirmed what I was trying to tell her but she kept yelling at me and slapping me. My brother tried to cover me, but my mom got one of her empty bottles of red wine and threatened him with it. The next day she told my dad she slapped me for the way I answered her.

I don’t know what to do. I’m always stressed and depressed. Sometimes I look down on myself and think others would be happy and lucky if I hadn’t been born or maybe I’m not really my mother’s child. I’ve thought about going to see our school’s guidance counselor but I’m too afraid. I love my family, but I’m unhappy and don’t know what to do.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When parents respond in destructive or abusive ways, it’s not because they were prompted to do it by a child’s misbehavior, but rather because of problems of their own that they have yet to resolve. Even though you may be afraid to do so, visiting with your guidance counselor at school would be a good first start in addressing the problems you describe. Eventually, it would be a good idea for the entire family to be involved in some kind of therapy and healing process. In the meantime, there are some other steps you can take to minimize the likelihood of similar occasions:

• Even if you’ve been talked to in a hurtful way, don’t sass back (sometimes you can do this without even thinking). It will probably only make matters worse. Try to remain as calm as possible and try to talk to your parent later about things at a calmer, more appropriate time. Try to be as mature as possible when discussing your concerns about how you felt and how you felt you were treated.
• Do your best to ignore harsh, demeaning, or brutal statements made toward you or about you. Do not take such comments — especially when made in anger — to heart.
• If you manage to have some conversations with your parent(s) that are more level-headed and constructive and where your feelings are respected, let them know how much you appreciate it. Positive reinforcement goes a long way toward increasing the chances that you can have such positive encounters again.

Even if the rest of the family is not agreeable to counseling, make a decision to seek your own guidance and support and stick with it. The sooner you seek the counseling, the better.