How Do You End the Cycle of Abuse?

Reader’s Question

I was a teenage mom and an emotional wreck living with a highly physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic husband. There were two children in the home. My behavior was also abusive at times. I rarely did anything physical to the youngest child. It was mostly yelling and pounding on pots and pans. I did however abuse the first son more physically. I sought counseling and stopped this damaging behavior.

I have talked to both of my children and said how sorry I was. It seems my oldest did forgive me, but the youngest is filled with resentment and anger. He has abused me off and on for years physically, but has not done this since 2006. However, he still says I created a monster and he would not be the way he is if it were not for me.

Due to my guilt, I have almost exhausted my savings and continue to provide support for him and his four children. He acts as if he feels I owe him, and he verbally threatens me at times when he is upset. He has stolen and written bad checks on my account. I have begged him for us to go to counseling, together or separately (I do go) so this can end before I die.

I am a senior citizen and just so soul tired of the emotional abuse that I believe he is repaying me from years and years ago. I don’t feel I can go on much longer. He is so ungrateful and spends money for entertainment in lieu of paying his bills and then manipulates me and my guilt to pay gas and lights and electricity on the kids’ behalf. He consistently runs out of gas and we have to rescue him. I know it is his life and he must be responsible and the past is the past, but he dwells on things and cannot move beyond emotional hurt whether it is me or someone else.

Sometimes I feel that no matter what I do, it is never enough. Is he just trying to get me to prove my love and make up to him for my wrongdoing? There is something wrong, but I just cannot figure it out. I’m feeling abused, too. How do you get the cycle to stop?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s a good thing that you have reconciled your past behavior with your self, sought help, and turned your life around. However, it appears that your guilt has become a big “enabling” factor in your son’s abusive behavior. You are correct when you say that he is now responsible for his own life and his own behavior. The same support, guidance, counseling, and healing is available to him as was available to you. But he must take responsibility for his own life.

In any abusive relationship, the cycle perpetuates when the person in the “doormat” role continually puts themselves in a position to be “stepped on” again. Taking yourself out of the doormat role is not the same as “pulling the rug out” from under your son. In fact, it may be the only way to help him stand on his own and reconcile the fact that he is repeating a pattern destructive not only to others, but ultimately to himself. The first step in breaking the cycle is vowing not to be unfairly dumped on or taken advantage of yourself. If you want to help save your son, take care of yourself and set your boundaries and limits firmly.