Do I Have Controlling Parents?

Reader’s Question

Do I have a controlling mother?
 
When I was younger I didn’t think much about it, but it seems through high school and college things became worse. During breaks from college I had set times to be home, usually around midnight. This was usually set if I had a girlfriend, but not with other friends. I am the oldest child, and I moved back home due to financial reasons after I graduated from college and times grew tense. At 24, under pressure from friends, I moved out of my parents’ home, because I still had curfew and if I was late there was a 20 question routine and yelling.

I was told my girlfriend wasn’t right for me and I needed to date a certain type of person. I was told that if I married outside the Catholic Church, my marriage would not be recognized and I would be disowned without inheritance by my mother and family. I am one of only three people (my parents are the other two) out of 30 in my immediate family who has a college degree, and I graduated with honors — yet because I don’t work in my degree field I was told I need to go back to school for a masters. I recently had an argument with my mother who claims she does not like and never will like my girlfriend; she says just the thought of her makes her nauseated. All I had asked is if she would go to dinner to try to give my girlfriend a chance to make amends for anything she could have done to have created this distaste.

After what my mother said and after she tried to tell me what kind of person I needed to date, I walked out and didn’t speak with her for a week. Then my younger sister called saying she didn’t want to lose a brother and my mother was calling me childish and would disown me if I didn’t come over to visit. My father had said something similar earlier in the week about choosing between my girlfriend and family. I visited this weekend for a short while and didn’t say much, but when I was alone with my father he asked what I thought and I said I had been reading some books about controlling parents and he just laughed.

Does my family fit the model of controlling parents?
 
Thanks for your time, 
AJ in Nebraska

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon these days for young persons to find themselves in a position in which they need to move back in with family for financial reasons. In such cases it’s very reasonable for there to be some rules about sharing household responsibilities and affording all members of the household the courtesy of providing information about comings and goings, etc. But at some point, parents have to stop trying to micro-manage the decisions of their children with respect to associations, life pursuits, career, etc. Adults can never fully mature in responsibility unless they learn to make decisions for themselves. Naturally, parents always reserve the right to advocate for the principles upon which they purport to stand, especially if their lives truly reflect a commitment to such principles. But young adults also need to solidify their own values and learn to manage their own affairs responsibly. They can’t do this effectively if someone else assumes control.

Independence (emotional, physical, and spiritual) always comes with a price. Dependency strings must be severed (e.g., being able to provide for oneself as opposed to depending upon the “family inheritance”), and there is no one else to blame when a poor decision is made. Yet, overcoming dependency and functioning independently and responsibly is what healthy adult living is all about.