After 4 Years, My Live-In Boyfriend Does Nothing in the Home

Reader’s Question

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about four years now. When we first started dating, he was fun and exciting and we did so much stuff together. I do love him a lot, to the fullest extent you possibly can care about someone. I have just noticed over the past year or so, I’ve become incredibly stressed with our relationship. He can’t hold down a job for more than three months at a time. The management always does something to upset him or something unjust went on. He kind of just moved in with me without consent, and now he does nothing besides sit on the couch and watch T.V. I even have to pay most of his bills for him. I’m so mad because I am a full time student, I work 25 hours a week, and I have to clean house and such on top of that, while he sits around and does nothing. Honestly, I’m sick of it.

As sweet and wonderful as he is, I can’t take this anymore. I’ve sacrificed a lot for him. I want to go to a different city for school, and have some fun traveling. He said in ten years he’d like to be going to school, well in ten years I’d like to be out of school and on my way to Europe. Do you think that we’re just at different points in our lives now, that I should let this go? If not, how can I help to motivate him? And, with him being a defensive, needy person, what would be the best possible way to let him go?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While both of you met four years ago during the fun-and-exciting stage of life, you are now at two totally different places. You have matured and he has not. Your boyfriend has behaviors and attitudes we find in Personality Disorders (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). He is very selfish, self-serving, feels a great sense of entitlement, and exhibits little or no concern for the feelings of those around him. Personality Disorders don’t take personal responsibility for their behavior and blame anything or anyone else for their pattern of financial, social and personal irresponsibility.

Many years ago psychiatry/psychology described this personality as being a Passive-Aggressive Personality — an otherwise capable individual who consistently yet passively resisted demands for normal adult social, financial, vocational, and personal functioning. While not aggressive, their resistance was expressed in procrastination, excuses, vague ailments, forgetfulness, etc. When we have a Passive-Aggressive Personality as a partner, they essentially don’t contribute to the relationship — unless it’s to their benefit. Many partners who are unemployed assume household chores until they find work, but not these folks. Sadly, he also isn’t concerned that his behavior increases your stress.

Consistent with a personality disorder, they are distressed when something is demanded of them or when you try to detach from them. If you try to break up, he will be very defensive, offer a host of excuses, cry/plead, promise to improve, offer to seek therapy, etc. If they are given another chance, within a matter of weeks they have returned to their baseline of doing very little — but they’ll also have an excuse. Keep in mind that when you mention how sweet and wonderful he is, that’s his only requirement for the brief hours when you are together as a couple. It’s like being required to be nice to the mailman. He can handle that, because it gives him a place to stay and few responsibilities the rest of the day/week.

I think you’ve outgrown your partner. Motivating him is highly unlikely, as your obvious distress, personal sacrifice, and even discussions about his situation have had no effect. Your life just doesn’t bother him. I’d make your own plans and let him know that you’ll be leaving for school and another city alone. When he protests, remind him that he has not contributed to the relationship, personally or financially, and that the relationship has failed. Be prepared for a host of promises and excuses, but remain all business. Once you have relocated, he will contact you again, as Personality Disorders try to keep all ex-partners on “back burner” in the hopes of manipulating them again. For further information, you can select ‘personality disorders’ from the list of popular topics in the sidebar. You might also read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website.