58 Year Old Boyfriend Talks to His Teddy Bears

Reader’s Question

I’ve been in a relationship with a 58-year-old man for two years now. He still has his teddy bears from his childhood, and they all have names. He talks to them, and he makes them answer back. He says it’s them talking. He brings them on our trips and outings…treats them like children.

I don’t think this is normal, and I can’t tell him that. He gets upset. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I agree — this isn’t normal. After two years in a relationship, if you can’t tell him it’s abnormal, that’s abnormal. Without question, the situation you describe is very unusual. His behavior with his teddy bears may be related to several things, for example:

• Your boyfriend may be very immature and dysfunctional in personality. By your description, his need to engage in his teddy bear fantasy overrides his relationship with you and his behavior as a normal adult. As you also describe, he’s more interested in the teddy bears than in making you comfortable in the relationship — and that’s not good. Importantly, if his personality is dysfunctional, he will have always been this dysfunctional. He’s likely to have a history of limited or few romantic relationships, perhaps always living with Mother or alone, and having little in the way of social relationships. In other words, if the personality is causing this, he will have been obviously “odd” in behavior over many years at this point. If this is true, a change in his behavior is unlikely, and this is probably permanent. By the way, if he’s talking to teddy bears, that behavior is only the tip of the iceberg.
• If your boyfriend has a normal history for a 58-year-old male — a career/job, past relationships including marriages and children, a network of friends, etc. — then it may be an act. This behavior may be an act to keep the relationship at a emotional/social distance, keeping you concerned about the teddy bears as months and months pass in a going-nowhere relationship. Some adults keep their romantic partners “on hold”, never allowing the relationship to move toward more committment or marriage, by using a variety of manipulations, excuses, promises, etc. Some won’t talk marriage until they have a surgery (which is never scheduled), pay off their bills (they keep charging things), or until their parents pass away. This will be especially true if you are the only one who knows about the teddy bears. Dysfunctional personalities are very obvious, while theatrical acts and manipulations are usually for only one person — the person they want to manipulate.
• If the preoccupation with teddy bears has surfaced suddenly, is very obvious to those around him, and is uncharacteristic of his original personality — then you have problems of another nature. When unusual and bizarre behaviors suddenly appear and the behavior is very socially obvious and uncontrollable, we are often dealing with an early sign of dementia or another neurological issue. When adults suddenly become uncontrollably silly, giddy, and childish in personality — that’s a neurological sign more than psychological. If it’s neurological, it will gradually impair every aspect of his life, including relationships, work, ability to function in public, etc. As months pass, the situation will become worse and he will become forgetful, lost at times, and disorganized. If this is the case, immediate referral to his family physician, then a neurologist is recommended.

Overall, his teddy bear preoccupation is either 1) a outward sign of a very immature and dysfunctional personality, 2) a theatrical manipulation used to control the relationship, or 3) the sudden onset of a serious medical/neurological condition. If it’s #1 or #2, what you see is what you get. You’ll need to make a decision if you want to tolerate this behavior, as in both cases, he’s making a statement that your opinion doesn’t matter that much. If it’s #3, encourage a medical consultation.