Wife Suddenly Stops Talking to All Family Members

Reader’s Question

I want to confide with you about a strange phenomenon concerning my wife. We have been married for about 24 years and have 5 kids (aged 15 to 23), three of whom live at home. Both of us work. I am an engineer, and she is a nurse.

About 10 days ago, my wife stopped speaking to all the family. NOT a word!! However at work, her friends report no change. She simply refuses to say one word to us. This happened very suddenly. There was no argument. I have never used violence. There is no alcohol or drugs problem. I am totally bewildered.

This started after a long conversation with her mother in France. I don’t know what they said. But I usually have a good relationship with her. Can you help?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This doesn’t sound like a significant psychiatric issue, as she continues to work and interact with co-workers normally. Not speaking to a spouse is not that uncommon, typically related to anger or resentment. However, not speaking to all family members, including five children, is highly unusual.

Psychologists have theories about everything. Here goes:

• I suspect your wife has been overwhelmed by stress — her sense of responsibilities and obligations in the home. I also suspect that she has voiced her concerns to you and the children — but has not been heard. She has developed the feeling that she is not appreciated and recognized for her efforts in a seven-person home. In a symbolic way, she is expressing her sense that she is “talked out” — verbally exhausted.
• The conversation with her mother in France might have produced a strategy — the behavior of not talking to any member of the family. This is not unusual motherly advice. It’s like complaining that no family member helps with the laundry. Motherly advice would be, stop doing everyone’s laundry and let them feel the consequences of not helping. Motherly advice, by the way, is typically very solid and effective.
• From a psychological standpoint, your wife’s behavior is a cry for help. It’s a behavior designed to draw attention to an issue that, despite her efforts, no family member would recognize. She is now forcing the issue and demanding a change.
• Accept that the situation is a cry for help. Also accept that you must now do something. I would recommend:
  • First call your mother-in-law in France. She may be able to shed some light on the situation or the reason for the no-talking behavior.
  • Try to talk to your wife…and calmly.
  • If you still can’t fix the situation, ask for a family intervention by a trusted third-party such as a religious leader, best family friend, relative, etc.
• The idea of an intervention is to bring repressed and hidden issues to the surface. Be prepared to hear some uncomfortable information in these interventions. Listen…don’t become defensive. When she begins her discussion and states her concerns, just listen. I sense that she’s not talking because no one has listened — a little obvious symbolism here. While listening is most important, being prepared to resolve the issues is just as important. Set all personal pride aside and prepare to fix your home life.

It’s been my experience that when people need to be heard, they try various approaches until they are finally heard. I suspect your wife feels she has exhausted normal approaches such as comments, complaints, requests, etc. You and the family may actually be very fortunate that she has chosen a calm yet dramatic way of representing her concerns. If I’m right, this could have been much worse.