Should I Let My Girlfriend Go?

Reader’s Question

I’m 35, have been divorced for a year, and have been in a relationship with a 35-year-old single mom for 3 months. Within a short span of time, we have felt a different love for each other; we even started talking about future plans and moving in/getting married. Around 3 weeks ago my girlfriend finally spoke with her ex (father of her 8 month child). They had a conversation with her ending up crying since he told her he always loved her and admitted to his shortcomings — but she’s moved on and he doesn’t want to destroy her relationship with me.

Since then, I’ve been feeling like a rebound. I found out that she sent a close friend an email telling her what happened. Her email seemed remorseful but said that she didn’t want to think about it since our relationship is working out really well. She broke off her prior relationship and she started dating me after a month. She told me she didn’t give her last relationship another chance because it was complicated and mostly because I came into her life and she wants to be with me. She doesn’t want to lose someone she can see a future with and she told me that her ex just said all those things because he finally realized what he lost and asked me to never let go.

Sometimes when I say something not to her liking, she shuts down and ignores me. After she cools down, she apologizes, saying she doesn’t want to get hurt again. She needs to stay strong for herself and her daughter. I asked her if I wasn’t around if she would give it another chance and she said “maybe” but they cannot be together anymore because of how he hurt her before, and she cannot bear to see me hurting since it hurts her too. We both made promises to do everything for our relationship. I believe her when she tells me she loves me and I’m her “future”. I’m feeling insecure, though, because I feel she still isn’t over her ex and cannot really move on. Given a chance, I believe she would work it out again with him to give her daughter a complete family. That would be the only reason I would let her go and risk losing her.

She mentioned before that she loved him and did everything she could to save the relationship for their daughter, and that’s why she gave him all her love. I’m very much in love with her and have grown attached to her daughter. I do not know what to do and feel stuck. If I let go of her, she would feel hurt and rejected and I risk her not coming back to me. The other part of me says to let go so she can really make up her mind and know if she really wants to be with me or not. But I’m not ready to let her go and lose her. Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Let’s see…divorced for a year, in a relationship for three months, and already talking about moving in and getting married. This situation doesn’t feel like a rebound — it is a rebound. From your description, both of you are in the “rebound period,” which may not be a problem for your relationship if you recognize several issues:

• A major issue in all rebound, post-divorce, post-break-up situations is Emotional Memory. Each romantic relationship contains thousands of memories, many of which contain emotions. When we experience an emotion in a situation, the brain remembers both the details of the event and the feeling at that time. Later, when we think of that event, person, place, situation, etc. — we actually relive the emotions we had at the time. This is why we automatically smile when seeing an old friend or become energized when someone mentions our exciting trip to Vegas, the beach, etc. In each relationship that didn’t work out, we have both negative/divorce/bitter memories and a collection of very positive/loving/warm memories of our ex. Rebound relationships are often confused by the presence of these Emotional Memories, as they can be triggered by daily events and situations.
• When your girlfriend met her ex, both of them triggered and experienced those warm memories from the early relationship — interpreting them as they still have love for each other. If they had met in court, a different set of unpleasant memories might have surfaced. These Emotional Memories are very confusing and can last for years, if not decades. This same situation produces turmoil at high school reunions when we meet our high school sweetheart and suddenly experience that “I’ve always loved you” feeling. While you have warm and loving feelings for the person, those feelings are from your high school years — not 2009. In truth, you actually don’t know this person. Your girlfriend and her ex experienced these emotions but seemed to handle it appropriately. However, it does cause confusion which may prompt your girlfriend to review her feelings with her friend.
• From your description of her reactions, she has moved on, but like everyone in a rebound period, she is troubled by lingering Emotional Memories. Perhaps she’s realized that having a warm/loving memory of someone isn’t related to his current or even recent behavior — the same behavior that ended their relationship in the first place.
• In the current relationship with your girlfriend, both of you are moving too seriously, too quickly. You need to form your own loving memories — not a serious relationship. If we take time to form those loving memories…the loving relationship follows naturally. Remember that part of the reason you may be discussing marriage is you both have strong Emotional Memories and fantasies about having a wonderful marriage.
• The best advice is from a song in the sixties entitled “Take Time to Know Her”. This is no reason to let her go, but rather use this situation and every additional situation as an opportunity to discuss, problem-solve, and reach agreements. Remember that both of you will be bringing “ghosts” into the relationship — emotional memories of previous relationships. If we address those “ghosts” in a mature and supportive manner, they fade away. If you love her, give the relationship an opportunity. It may or may not work out over the next year, but you’ll have the satisfaction that the potential in the relationship was worth the effort.