Husband Claims a High IQ But Doesn’t Work or Support Family

Reader’s Question

I’ve been married for 4 years. I’m in my 50’s, and my husband is almost 50. My husband has a masters degree in biology and is very smart, but he prefers to work as a “chef”. He usually brings home about $20,000 per year, but this year he has made about $12,000. This is because he has lost 5 jobs in a year due to alcohol and drug use. I was recently diagnosed with a rare, chronic disease that can be fatal. I received SSDI. We use my SSDI to pay the bills, but his money he feels is to be used for alcohol and drugs. We have to sell our belongings sometimes to pay the bills, and when this happens I have to walk and find aluminum cans to buy food. I have to use a cane and should be in a wheelchair — but we can’t afford that. I am eligible for Medicare, but he will not let me pay for that because I have to pay the mortgage, buy food, gas etc. with SSDI.

When he loses his job, he doesn’t look for another because he takes time off to party. Where he works now has cut his hours, and I have asked him to look for a part time job to help pay bills, but he is welcoming the 25 hours a week so he can see his friends at the bar more. His $100+ bar tab gets me upset. My 13-year-old son had to move in with my older son, because my husband was not allowing me to buy food or clothes for him, even with my child support or money his grandparents sent. My husband would use it for alcohol and drugs. My husband tells me that I need him around because I am ill and can’t do things well for myself anymore, but having me walk (and fall because of my illness) on the streets and pick up cans and money isn’t really helping. He says if I want him to quit drinking and doing drugs, he won’t work anymore because he thinks it is too much to ask. He feels he is a good provider because he sweeps the house once a week. I am also afraid he will kill someone because he drinks while driving (a bottle is always in the car with him). He does not think his drinking shows to others because he has a high IQ. He feels that because he is smart, people owe him a job, even though he shows up to work with alcohol in his system. Help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your husband’s behavior isn’t related to his high IQ…it’s related to his Personality Disorder. In my introduction to personality disorders, I describe how individuals with a Personality Disorder (PD) have near-total selfishness and narcissism (self-loving). They are totally self-absorbed and uninterested in the feelings or situations of others, including their spouse and children. He doesn’t care how things affect you — only how they might affect him. Folks with a PD almost violently resist any demand or expectation to be a productive citizen, to provide for their family, to be concerned for the health/welfare of others, or be a responsible adult. They never accept blame for their irresponsible behavior and have a variety of excuses for every social problem they create. They use, abuse, and manipulate those around them totally for their benefit. Importantly, based on your description, his abuse of drugs and alcohol is not the major problem, although such behavior is common in Antisocial Personalities. A spouse of an Antisocial Personality often mistakenly believes that taking away drugs or alcohol will fix the situation…but it doesn’t. This is very clear in his threat to never work if he is not allowed his drug/alcohol lifestyle.

What can you do? You’re in a difficult situation here. I’d recommend reading my articles on Personality Disorders, Identifying Losers in Relationships, and Love and Stockholm Syndrome. You may want to develop an exit plan and slowly detach from this situation, as it will only get worse. His behavior is totally selfish, and he is willing to sacrifice your health, as well as the needs of the children, for his pleasure and demands. Your older son and family may be helpful in preparing and executing your exit plan. It’s sad, but he will offer a variety of promises and manipulations if you leave, including obtaining a better job, stopping drug/alcohol use, etc. Once back in the home, a variety of excuses will come up and he’ll shortly return to the same lifestyle. Your husband is using you to have a place to live while he and his antisocial friends continue to party. If you leave, he’ll find another victim, move in, and tell them about his “High IQ” and how that somehow keeps him from steady employment.