My Friend Thinks I’m A Sociopath. Is He Right?

Reader’s Question

The other day a friend of mine brought up that he thought I was a sociopath. Is he right? I am charming in an attempt to win people over, so they will trust me. I’ve never really seen others as people, even as a child. I think I even described them as robots — toys for me to play with.

I know I’m not logically entitled to all the things I feel entitled to, but deserving it isn’t and never has been on my list of criteria for feeling I ought to have something. I am honestly secretive with my real intentions. I’m very paranoid, and I always assume people are looking for lies as hard as I am. So I am careful about the actual lies I tell, but I lie all the time. I can fake emotions well enough most of the time, although it’s sometimes a hassle. I’m really only a few things — bored, annoyed, and interested. I can’t be truthful on a consistent basis, because the truth that interests me constantly changes.

Little things fill me with rage, but legitimate pain is satisfying. I don’t feel it. I see it as a game — I manipulate them to do something interesting. And later, I tell the story to see people’s reactions. I have very few lasting friendships. After a while, I lose interest in them, and in pretending to care. I pretend so they’ll tell me interesting things about their life. I make friends younger or weaker than me, because I always have to be the best.

I’m often unnecessarily cruel. And I’m not concerned with the damage I cause. I’ve used men for sex, including cheating on my boyfriend with his best friend. I keep friends for drug connections or favors they can do me. I move around a lot. I quit schools, I get and quit jobs, I change friends like clothes, and I always want to be in a new place. I change my image if I can’t change my location or friends.

I never believe I am wrong. I never feel remorseful. I always just get angry — the kind of anger that comes from having to deal with others’ mistakes and not even being able to complain about it. My first thought in any situation is about how it will affect me. When you are hurt, I consider the benefit to myself. If there is none, I really don’t care and it’s really just kind of annoying. If you’re crying and you won’t tell me why, I mostly just dislike you because you’re annoying me and you’re useless to me.

I hate when people try to understand me, try to say there is something wrong with me. Despite all this, I don’t think I’m a bad person. I don’t believe in good or bad, right or wrong. I think that’s just honest of me. My friend thinks I should get help. I think he’s wrong. What do you think? I am 19.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are describing the classic characteristics of a Personality Disorder. I’ve outlined these attitudes and behaviors in my Introduction to Personality Disorders on this website — but you’ve given us a first-person description. While we don’t use the term “sociopath”, you’re showing the features we find in Antisocial and Histrionic Personality Disorders.

The difference between your opinion and that of your friend illustrates an important aspect of Personality Disorders. Your friend is viewing your behavior objectively and his assessment is accurate, as your attitudes and behaviors would be considered sociopathic. As a person with a Personality Disorder, over time you have developed a variety of attitudes (no belief in right or wrong), interpretations (people aren’t really people), and justifications that allow you to be dishonest, manipulative, conning, and deceitful. The end result? You can openly admit lying, manipulating, being cruel to others, using people for your selfish benefit, being unfaithful, etc. — yet summarize with “I don’t think I’m a bad person”. This classic characteristic of personality disorders — the sense of entitlement and self-justification of criminal, manipulative, and dishonest behavior — makes treatment almost impossible.

As a Personality Disorder, your future isn’t too bright if you continue on this path. Some reasons why:

• Most success in life is based on patterns over time, such as educational attainment, financial credit, work history, loyalty to family/friends, etc. As you describe, individuals with a Personality Disorder have no tolerance for perseverence or sustained effort and as a result, in five or six years you’ll still be manipulating for drinks, drugs, etc. while your peers are involved in careers and stable relationships. You’ll have no consistent work history of anything other than what you have now. It’s basically a case of arrested development.
• As adults, we are measured by our history as much as our talent and personality. Personality Disorders add negative history to their life every year — failed relationships, loss of jobs, frequent moves, drug/alcohol problems, etc. These negative aspects accumulate each year to the point that after several years, no mentally healthy individual would seriously consider you as a potential friend or employee. By 25, your history becomes a collection of “red flags” for those around you. People around you will be polite, but they won’t hire you, develop friendships, or lend you money.
• As a result of the previous situation, in a few years you find yourself with the only friends who tolerate Personality Disorders — other Personality Disorders. When this happens, you move from being a shark in the city pool to another shark in a shark tank…and some of those sharks are meaner and more aggressive than you. At this point you become the victim, typically of other manipulators, users, abusers, and con artists. To complicate matters, your lifestyle deteriorates. Those talents and attributes you have used to manipulate others at 19 such as your appearance, social charm, etc. also deteriorate.
• As your lifestyle deteriorates and you find yourself surrounded by sharks, your current methods of manipulation and attention-seeking become ineffective. Other Personality Disorders don’t care enough about you to be manipulated. As a result, you’ll be forced to take more aggressive steps which will end in suicide threats, temper tantrums, and if you become addicted to drugs — prostitution. When you look at some of the older, “burned out” ladies in the bar scene, remember that many started like you, feeling they were a Diva at 19 and totally in control of their life.

If you consider treatment for the Personality Disorder, I would begin as soon as possible. If you think about it, your signs and symptoms are already so obvious that friends are detecting it. I would read my article on Personality Disorders on this website. I would also consider counseling. You are fortunate that you are still among healthy friends who recognize your situation and are concerned for your health and future. As you lose these friends and find yourself surrounded by social sharks, like you they will only be interested in how they can exploit and use you — not help you.

This may be a life-changing decision for you rather than just a question to a psychologist feature.