Should I Move in With My Boyfriend Against My Mother’s Wishes?

Reader’s Question

I am 19 years old. I live in Tennessee, and I have a boyfriend who is 24 years old. We have been together for about 3 years. He recently went to Missouri to work, and this was a job offer that he could not turn down. Before he left, we were living together. He wants me to move up there with him. But I’m very close to my family and have never been that far away from them before in my life. My mother does not like my boyfriend at all. So last night I told her that I was thinking about moving up there, and she did not like the idea. Then she begins to tell me she wants me to leave my boyfriend, and I told her that’s not going to happen, and honestly my mind is set to go up there. I just feel like I am being pulled between two people I love dearly, and now I don’t know what to do. Could you please help me out?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are several issues in your situation. Let’s look at a few of them:

• A major concern is the feelings your mother has for your boyfriend. Are those feelings justified? Does he have a history of treating your poorly, is he abusive, do other members of the family dislike him, etc.? Is she picking up behaviors that make her feel he’s a Loser (see my article on identifying losers in relationships)? If she has good reasons to dislike him, then you can bet that whatever bad behaviors are present in your boyfriend, they will increase and get worse once you are away from your family. Being near our family gives us some protection, but when you are totally separated, you’re without support.
• Another major concern is the influence your boyfriend has on you and your future. At 19 and dating for three years, you’ve actually had little adult personal or individual life outside that romance. Your adult-level life has always been with your boyfriend, and now you are planning to join your life with him away from your family. From your parents’ point of view, you’ve given up an opportunity to live your own life, have your own goals or career, or even experience the adult world without his influence. You’re not mentioning marriage or a commitment here, only that he wants you to move with him.
• In this situation, your mother is appropriately worried about your safety. You’re not moving out of town to attend college…you’re just moving out of town. No job, no plans, and under the control of your boyfriend. You’re not describing a situation that would make a parent feel safe, especially if there are already bad feelings between your boyfriend and your mother.
• Maybe the toughest part of this decision is the need to think about what you need to do for you. This is more than a matter of deciding whom to make happy, your boyfriend or your mother. After dating for three years, I suspect your boyfriend is only offering more of the same — living together. He’s not saying “We’ll get married and move to Missouri”. You’ll need to ask yourself: Do I have a future planned for me? Do I want to attend college, have a career, get a stable job, etc.? As a young adult, you have more alternatives to your life than living with your boyfriend or staying home with Mom.

My honest opinion here…I’d recommend delaying moving out of state with your boyfriend. I’d take some time without his around-the-clock influence to see who you are as a person, what you would like to do or be as an adult, and explore your options. At 24, your boyfriend isn’t hesitating to do this…he’s moving on and your opinion doesn’t matter that much. He’s going to Missouri! That might be a good move for him, but not a good move for you and your future.

I think you need to give yourself an opportunity to be more than an out-of-town live-in girlfriend. If he loves you, he’ll understand. If he doesn’t understand, then all he wanted was a roommate.