Should I Walk Away from My Possessive, Controlling Boyfriend?

Reader’s Question

I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months. I knew him a long time ago. He’s had a difficult upbringing, but I’m starting to feel he could be possessive and doesn’t listen to me. When I first went on a date with him, I thought he was aggressive to a guy I was speaking to in a bar. I apologised to this guy who said it’s okay, don’t worry it. At the time I let it go as I thought I’d imagined it.

He’s also told me about fights he’s had; one time someone attacked him with a weapon, and he said he had to retaliate. Others fights have happened as men have grabbed his girlfriends’ bottoms. I told him I never wanted him to hit someone for me.

Recently, I went to meet some old friends of mine, a male gay friend and his partner, and my boyfriend came. I thought he was being a bit off as my gay friend is someone I’m really close to. My boyfriend disappeared in the club with my friend’s boyfriend. I went to look for my partner later and I said it’s really nice that I can do my own thing and that you go off and do it too. I’m not sure if I said the wrong thing, but I was trying to lighten things up by saying we were relaxed with each other. We’d both been drinking which may not have helped. We got back home and he started going on at me asking if what I’d said meant I wanted on open relationship. I said no, that my friend was gay and that though I loved him and he meant a lot to me it was purely platonic. He told me he couldn’t believe it, that he’d made a real fool of himself over me. He kept going on, saying that I was obviously into this guy. I ended up swearing at him and calling him a name, which may not have helped; I just felt so sick of listening to him rant at me. He then ranted at me about that, and kept threatening to leave. And he told me that everything was about my father at the moment (he’s terminally ill, and I’m caring for him).

When we talked about this the next day, he said it had just been a miscommunication, and that from what I’d said he’d taken it to be something different. And that the comment about my father was just related to my not thinking that our relationship could be okay no matter what else happened (such as my father dying). I’m not sure if I should just walk away and not even bother trying to talk this through. He’s very caring in other ways, but I’m feeling uncomfortable. I’m finding it hard to decide as I’m feeling miserable at the moment. Plus, I’m thinking maybe it was my fault because of what I said.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I think you’re seeing signs that would make anyone uncomfortable. As a point of reference, I’d recommend reading my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website. From your description, after only a few months he’s showing many of the “red flags” that identify a possessive, verbally abusive, controlling, and manipulating partner. The aggressiveness that you’ve witnessed, both as a witness in the bar and first-hand that evening, is his personality. You didn’t say or do anything wrong, although he’s likely to make you feel the situation is your fault and his aggressiveness was justified. He’s also waving the red flag when talking about his violence toward others. He’s unintentionally describing and revealing his “potential” for violence — not just violent stories.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this situation. Should you walk out? I think you’ll find the decision easier once you read the Loser article. Every “sixth sense” you’re picking up about this individual is probably valid and if we think about it, most people end up in bad and abusive relationships because they ignore or discount their “gut feelings” about things they witness, think, and feel. He’ll have excuses, ranging from his difficult childhood to something you said. I can assure you that he isn’t thinking about his childhood when he assaults people in bars or seeks retaliation.

In my Loser article, I describe strategies for gradual detachment. I would consider those strategies and again, review the 20 red flags. I think you’ll see someone you know. Be careful.