About the Other Woman

Reader’s Question

I have been dating a man on and off for almost 3 years. We have always had a great deal of love for one another, but the “make up break up” episodes we have encountered are mostly due to his struggling with drug and alcohol dependency. His addictive behavior has led to many acts of dishonesty, hostility, pain, etc. within the relationship. He chose to get clean at the beginning of 2008, at which time we reunited. This did not last for multiple reasons and we parted ways.

After about 6 months apart I realized I missed him so much in my life and there is no one else I wanted to be with. He remained mostly sober during our time apart, although did have some slip ups, but is still very committed to remaining sober and getting his life back on track. We began to spend more time together and were sexually intimate with one another on a few occasions. After a few weeks I professed my love for him and desire to get back together and make this relationship work for the long haul. He became very confused because he had been seeing another woman whom he became very close to. Their relationship began as a friendship within the time period we were broken up and led to a deep bond as they share sobriety together. Without a doubt, he downplayed his relationship with her to me, but as the truth came out, it was clear they were a couple. They were sexually active with one another and verbally expressed their love for one another.

I was devastated. My heart felt like it was on fire. I left town and stayed with my sister for half a week to mourn this loss I felt. He had decided he wanted to stay with her as she was very safe and secure ground for him compared to our rocky history. A couple of weeks went by, and I was not feeling well; I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I called him and told him. He rushed over to my house, kissed me, told me it makes sense for us to be together and he is in love with me. Well, after further testing it turned out I was not pregnant. This still did not change things between us; he said he realized he wants to start a life with me and not this other woman and mostly they are better as friends.

So we started dating again. I became disturbed at how much this other woman remained in his life — multiple calls/text every day and frequent visits. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. He would say that over and over again…”don’t worry”. The ironic thing is I was worrying very much. I do suffer from anxiety and every time I would call him and he would be with this other woman, I would get feelings of panic. I did not like it, and I do not like it. He asked me if I trusted him that they are not physical with one another. The truth is, I do not think they are, but I find their relationship inappropriate considering the circumstances. He told me “she needs him, and he needs to be there for her and they really like one another as people and enjoy the friendship they share”. I would not have a problem with this if they had never slept together and expressed love for one another. This friendship is very uncomfortable for me; it makes me feel horrible to think of the man that is supposed to be committed to me sharing his problems with her and vice versa. Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to tell him who he cannot be friends with?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Do you have the right to tell him they can’t be friends? Yes. He also has the right to agree, ignore your wishes, or continue that relationship. Everyone has rights.

As you describe, this continues to be an unstable situation. While you are concerned about his relationship with the “other woman,” while they had a relationship you operated as the “other woman” and continued to contact him — probably just like she does now. He has maintained a relationship with both you and the other woman for many months at this point and is unlikely to end these relationships.

Are you overreacting? No. You have some valid concerns here, but I don’t think the “other woman” is going to be the major issue. As you describe, this relationship has always been off-and-on, full of breakups and slip-ups, and has never fully stabilized in the past three years. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and in this situation, your relationship with him is likely to remain unstable, unpredictable, and full of more breakups and conflicts. The “other woman” is one small part of the overall instability of this relationship and if you focus on her, you’ll not be making choices that improve your relationship. Some ideas:

• You can’t demand that he stop communication with the other woman. If they have an emotional bond, their relationship will continue either in front of you or behind your back. You can suggest that he involve you in the relationship — you and your boyfriend working as a couple/team. As a couple, invite her to dinner. Become involved and interested in their recovery.
• Focus on improving your relationship and emphasize doing things as a couple.
• Recognize that the relationship is still very unstable and your boyfriend seems to have the ability to form and leave relationships very quickly. In this situation, I often recommend that people put these relationships on probation — working hard for perhaps a few months to improve the relationship. If the situation remains unstable, then it’s not likely to be fixable.
• Don’t think having a child with him will glue the relationship together. His reaction to the thought of pregnancy was to the fantasy of having children — not the reality. His relationship history doesn’t suggest he can maintain a stable relationship for months at a time. While having a child together typically improves healthy and stable relationships, the responsibility and obligations involved in parenting have the opposite effect on unstable relationships. If you were to have a child in this situation, you’d likely be a single parent very quickly with no child support. While this may sound harsh, it’s the reality. The stress of parenting increases our normal personality features and he already has addiction, hostility, deceptiveness, and romantic instability.

This is a high-risk relationship. While the “other woman” is a concern in the relationship, she’s only one of many concerns. As the relationship continues, I’d be careful and protect yourself.