Boyfriend Suffers From Low Self-Esteem…Or is He Manipulating Me?

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend suffers from low self esteem and sometimes depression. It really worries me that he constantly fears that I’m going to leave him. We’ve been together for six months now, and I love him to death. I keep telling him that, that I love him, and he keeps making me promise I won’t leave him. He’s been betrayed before, and his six exes have all dumped him. His parents are very rough on him, and he didn’t have a healthy childhood. He used to do drugs and he is now completely over it. He is an atheist. He is very sweet — the sweetest, kindest, most sensitive guy — but his fears and insecurities wear me down and have me troubled.

Should I take him seriously or not? Should I take him to talk to a psychologist? I think he’s been in therapy before, for self harming. How can I help him? I’m the only reason he stopped his negative behaviors — except drugs, which he quit long before I met him — and he is in no danger of collapsing again. What’s to be done in this case?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are two important issues in your question. First: How can I help him? To help, you’ll need to transfer his treatment from you to a professional. If you don’t, he’ll emotionally exhaust you. Encourage him to see a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist or other mental health professional. He can also obtain support from NA and other addiction support systems.

The second and maybe most important issue is your protection. Six exes didn’t dump him because he was sweet, kind, and sensitive. Like you, they began the relationship normally and like you, probably tried to be of help. Sadly, I don’t think this guy creates normal, healthy relationships. Most people use love, affection, and understanding to keep a relationship together. You are describing a person who uses strong guilt, a sense of obligation, and sympathy to keep a romance together. Love makes a relationship grow and guilt/obligation/sympathy smothers it.

I suspect a lot of manipulation is going on here. He has told you that you are the only reason he stopped his negative behaviors (this likely isn’t true by the way). What he’s really telling you is that if you don’t do what he wants in the relationship, he will return to his negative ways — and it will be your fault. Eventually he will be controlling your behavior with his guilt stories. If you go out with friends, he’ll make you feel guilty. If you challenge his behaviors, he’ll self-harm and blame you for it. In summary, I sense a great deal of risk in this relationship. He’s likely seen you as a sensitive, caring individual and as time passes, he will eventually overwhelm you with his obligations and guilt. This may be the behavior of a controlling personality — something that has already made his family be “rough” on him (maybe demanding mature responsibility?) and has made all previous romantic partners eventually move away. We normally think of controlling people by intimidation, but actually more people are controlled by guilt. I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website, as he’s showing some of the characteristics.

You’ll need to recognize that this is a risky relationship and that he brings the risk. In such situations, I often recommend placing the relationship on probation for a few months, trying to fix things and see if there is an improvement. If there is no improvement — you’ll need to join the list and become “ex” number seven. If what I suspect is true, you’re likely to find those six “ex” girlfriends are actually normal, healthy, loving and caring individuals who were overwhelmed by the same controlling behaviors you face at this time. Be careful here…