Stopping a Family Curse

Reader’s Question

I would like to know how to stop a family curse. My mother had an abusive father who never showed an ounce of love to any of his children after the first one; there were 13 children. All of them had and have issues pertaining to this terrible upbringing. My Grandmother was a very loving person. My mother in turn did not show us four children any affection either. My Father didn’t show affection either, but we knew that he loved us. I had two children whom I just could not bring myself to hug or tell that I loved them, it seemed so unnatural and uncomfortable.

I hated every day of this inability; it was a torture to me but most especially to my children. So they grew up the same way I did, but in their case they didn’t have a dad. Now, one of these children has the same problem with her children. She has a part-time husband, who is an habitual liar and cannot keep a job to save his life. My daughter has thought about counseling but was turned away by the fact that if she told a counselor she yelled or punished excessively, they would call social services — because it is the law here. What a shame. Please help us!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You’re describing a family tradition — not a family curse. There are thousands of family models — families that are huggers, kissers, cold and distant, all-business, emotionally detached, yellers and screamers, violent, affectionate, parent-priority, children-priority, success-driven, incapacity-driven, etc. As you describe, these models are often created by the parents, based on their original family model. Parents often continue the family tradition (or curse) due to a lack of experience, being uncomfortable as you describe, or being insecure in their ability to change.

Traditions become habits…and both can be broken. You and your daughter greet each other the same way each time you meet. That behavior is your family tradition and your habit. That behavior can be changed tomorrow by hugging your daughter and telling her you love her at first meeting. Guess what? After you use that behavior ten times — it becomes the tradition or habit. No one is born knowing how to drive an automobile, ride a bicycle, cook, or use email. When we first try anything new, it’s uncomfortable, anxiety-provoking, and feels unnatural. Imagine how unnatural riding a bike is — your brain needs a lot of practice to make that feel natural. Some thoughts:

• Begin new traditions and behaviors with your daughter and her family. Gradually increase affection, touching, patting on the shoulder, hugging, and saying “I love you”.
• Remember that when people don’t physically and verbally show affection, their love is not always seen by those around them. Showing love and affection eliminates the guesswork and worry.
• Your daughter may have married a personality disorder (see my introduction to personality disorders in relationships). If that’s true, her recovery will be more difficult and in that case, she’ll need more help from you.
• Don’t be afraid of counseling/therapy. Yes, reports of excessive abuse must be reported. If your daughter suspects she may be approaching the legal line where her behavior might be considered abusive, then counseling is even more important. Discuss problems with yelling and punishment before she crosses the abuse line.
• Practice being emotionally warm to others. We can pay friendly attention to others without being affectionate. Give compliments, say nice things, and offer your positive opinions. After awhile, it will become automatic.
• Volunteer to attend counseling with your daughter to discuss the family traditions and how they influence and limit your happiness.

Emotionally, time doesn’t heal anything. Action is required to stop the family tradition and heal. Yes, it may be uncomfortable and feel unnatural as you begin to change your behavior and emotional expression. However, it’s not as uncomfortable as living with the consequences of doing nothing. Knee surgery is uncomfortable, but after recovery, we can walk, run, and skip again.