My Mom Seems Starved for Male Attention

Reader’s Question

My Mom seems to be starved for male attention. From what I see, my Dad gives her a lot of attention. They have been married for 31 years. My Mom has flirted with many of my past boyfriends. She would sit on their laps. She has even flashed a past boyfriend — she was wearing a robe and nothing else. She dictated what I should say to one of my online boyfriends when I was 20 even though we knew he was 20 as well — we all met him together. She would do things like literally pull them away from me and ask them about themselves. Now that I’m married, she has for the most part kept her distance, but she made a comment about my husband’s biceps.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Individuals that behave in this manner are “starved for attention” — typically any kind of attention, but especially from the opposite sex. She exhibits features we often seen in Histrionic Personality, a type of “personality disorder” (see my introduction to personality disorders on this website). Individuals with Histrionic Personality are the “queens of drama” in the family system. They are uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention and in social situations, seem incapable of being a spectator. Interactions with others, as you describe, often involve sexually inappropriate or provocative behavior (DSM-IV) and they almost force people to pay attention to them. They typically dress and physically behave in a seductive manner and are very dramatic, theatrical, and overly-expressive in their speech and conversation.

When we have a histrionic mother, our childhood is often difficult. Personality disorders as a group are very immature, selfish, self-oriented, and place their own needs and motivations as a priority over that of their children. As you discovered with your previous boyfriends, Histrionic Personalities look at situations involving their children with a “what’s in this for me” attitude and intrusively place themselves into your social life, especially your romantic life. Rather than monitor and guide their teenagers, for example, a histrionic parent wants to participate in their teen life, hoping to obtain some extra attention. It’s not uncommon for a histrionic mother to be more sexual and seductive toward their daughter’s boyfriend than the daughter.

This behavior does not go away over time. It changes, but doesn’t disappear. As time passes, your mother will likely report more physical complaints and “spells”, using these behaviors and complaints as a way of obtaining her needed attention. What do you do?

• To manage the behavior of a Histrionic mother, you’ll need to move your relationship from mother-daughter to adult-to-adult. If necessary, you’ll need to set boundaries about what you will tolerate and what behavior is inappropriate. You may need to have some adult talks with her.
• In future marital and family activities, be sure to give Mom an assignment that will provide some attention, such as bringing the birthday cake to a party or doing the decorations. Histrionic Personalities are not spectators and without an assignment, she will create a situation in which she will receive attention — good or bad.
• Don’t discuss personal/intimate details of your life with your mother. Being starved for attention, she is likely to use that information to obtain attention from others. Keep your conversations casual.
• Recognize that you haven’t done anything that produces this behavior in your Mother. You also can’t fix this — you can only control and manage it.
• Read my article on Personality Disorders on this website. It may provide additional understanding of how a Histrionic Personality operates.

While your mother may be of great support in the future, she will also be “needy” of attention. By setting boundaries, which do not harm her, we can make the relationship with her less stressful and more enjoyable.