Childhood Experiences Influencing My Attitude Toward Men

Reader’s Question

I’m about 20 years old and have problems forming relationships with the opposite sex. Up until I started uni, I had been studying in all-girls’ schools, and my primary contacts with men were with my father and brother.

I fear my father may have a problem with containing aggression and dealing with stress as he often comes home from work and starts yelling at other people at the slightest provocation (e.g., the dog barking). During my childhood, I often witnessed him verbally taking out his frustration on my mother, and seeing her very unhappy also upset me. My father has seen a counsellor but dismissed professional opinion as “useless”.

Since I started uni and formed acquaintances with a few guys, I found that I wasn’t interested in forming closer friendships with them and was even slightly afraid when they approached me to talk or tried to touch me sociably, e.g., tapping my shoulder. I feel like I may be abnormal in some way, and this is particularly stressful as all of my girlfriends are starting to date men.

Do you think my childhood experiences influenced the way I feel towards men today? Is there any way I could alleviate this problem, and what would you recommend?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are not abnormal — just inexperienced! And yes, your childhood experiences — and lack of opposite-sex experiences — have influenced your attitudes toward men. Your father’s behavior has provided a poor model and as you have feared him, you may now fear other males in your life. This is often related to “emotional memory” — those memories of your father’s aggressive, abusive and intimidating behaviors. If I’ve only been to one dentist, then all my attitudes and memories about dentists are based on that one experience. Your memories of childhood have created the majority of your relationship memories about men — something that can cause you difficulty. While you’ve been in the company of men all your life — including contacts outside the home as in restaurants, shopping, getting groceries, etc. — you only have two relationships with men. By the time most women enter university, they’ve established emotional relationships with male friends, males in their social groups, boyfriends, and brothers of their friends. In your case, your experience is very limited and — due to your father’s behavior — rather one-sided to the negative. What can you do?

• If you have a bad experience, you need additional experience for fix that memory. Recognize and accept the fact that you are inexperienced in this area — not abnormal, weird, incompetent, etc. You can’t fly an aircraft either, but you can learn over time to be a pilot.
• Develop a personal plan to gain experience — carefully. Begin with your university classes. Identify several women in your classes with good social skills — especially with men. Watch how they operate and communicate with men. Model their good behaviors.
• Develop friendships with female students and confess that you’re a shy person. Hopefully, they will assist you in meeting new friends…first in groups.
• Practice talking with everyone. Memorize multiple “press releases” to cover those typical first-meeting questions such as “Where did you go to school?”, “What are you studying?”, etc. Rehearse your response in front of a mirror — this teaches you to look ahead rather than at your feet. Have an emergency press release for those time you’re caught by surprise such as “That’s an interesting question…I’ll have to give that more thought!” If you listen to people, you’ll find they use a variety of standard phrases in normal conversation. You’ll also learn that people rarely talk about anything serious or extremely important in public so those fears of being required to reveal your inner self are overestimated.
• Pair yourself with an outgoing female friend if possible. She will likely not only encourage your social interaction, but protect you socially as well.
• Due to your father’s aggressiveness, you’re probably frightened of opposite sex touch. This is not uncommon in your situation. You’ll need to desensitize yourself gradually. You can join students in events that often produce hugs and physical touch such as watching sporting events. Take a dance class at the university and let them know you’re shy and you want do dance your way out of it. Don’t be shy about being shy…
• As your confidence grows you can practice being on the receiving end of male attention. You can wear a sweatshirt with a sports team on the front, a popular music group, or a popular event. Each will draw a different type of attention…so be careful.
• Keep in mind that while university students are intelligent, they are not all socially experienced. You may find equally inexperienced and shy males as your training continues.
• As part of your social skill building, read my article on Identifying Losers in Relationships on this website to improve your ability to separate good from bad potential relationships.
• Search the web for recommendations on improving shyness. There are hundreds of websites with such recommendations.
• Read my article on Emotional Memory on this website and practice controlling those intrusive memories of your father as you interact with men in your life from this point.

Academic education is only one of the educational programs we receive at the university. University attendance is an opportunity to develop, improve, and polish the social skills of each student. This is an opportunity for you — not a problem.