Daughter Won’t Talk Anymore — What Can We Do?

Reader’s Question

My daughter has been living with her boyfriend’s family for three years. He is 30 and has had a succession of short term jobs which never last long — when he has one at all. He has either been fired or quit after a dispute each time; the last time I made a helpful suggestion he got defensive and snappy. One job he cut his hand the day before he started, and when he finally did start he only lasted a few weeks. He has some sort of problem — he will talk for hours on end without giving you a chance to talk. The conversation is usually about him. Sometimes in public he says inappropriate things about strangers and rather loudly.

My daughter is very passive, and I worry about her. She knows how I feel and doesn’t bring her boyfriend over. Lately she has been contacting me less and less. I used to phone her regularly, but I haven’t heard for a few months — I don’t know what to do anymore. I miss her, but feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your description, your daughter has hitched her wagon to a dead horse. You’re describing a boyfriend with a “personality disorder”. Individuals with a PD actively and passively resist society standards for personal, financial, and adult responsibility. As you describe, they are self-centered and egotistical, yet typically have a history of all-talk and promises rather than action. His job history is very common, and this is likely to continue — multiple brief jobs all lost due excuses, typically playing the victim of unfair treatment. They often sabotage employment and remain dependent upon those around them, something he has done for many years at this point. They rarely reach any level of social or occupational functioning that might approach “normal” for their age. They also have a high tolerance for having nothing — no job, no assets, no plans, and no future.

While they are socially irresponsible, they are also highly manipulative and controlling. When confronted they can assume a victim posture for sympathy or become aggressive and physically intimidating. It’s possible that your daughter is trapped in the situation. I’ve written about being trapped in these relationships in an article entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome” on this website. The boyfriend is likely very controlling and will see any contact with her family as a threat to his control and manipulation. Each family contact will prompt him to verbally intimidate or even abuse her.

In my article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome, I outline strategies for family members. The idea is to “Hold on Loosely” — maintaining contact with your daughter that is safe for her yet allows you to keep in touch. Your daughter isn’t contacting you out of dislike for the family — she’s trying to avoid verbal intimidation and emotional stress. Recognize that she’s in a very difficult situation at this time. Use the strategies and Hold on Loosely. Letting her know that the family is available and monitoring will help her build up her emotional strength. To help understand the techniques he uses, you might want to read the article on “Identifying Losers in Relationships” on this website.