Boyfriend Joining the Military — Should I Ask About Marriage?

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been together almost four years, and I am 27 years old. Now that he wants to join the military I think we should maybe call it quits. I don’t think I should stay in the relationship and wait at least another 4 more years without a real commitment. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t want to marry someone that feels forced into marriage, and he has talked about wanting to marry me many times before but talk is cheap and I need action. I just feel if I am going to commit to being by his side through all this he should respect me enough to either want me as his wife or at least have the respect to let me go so I can find someone who does. I don’t think it’s my place to bring up marriage because he is the guy and he is the one leaving. My biggest fear is that he is not sure if I am the one and I am wasting my time waiting on someone waiting for someone else. If he doesn’t at the least bring up the topic of marriage before signing up should I just walk away?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

We receive two types of information from people around us — what they say and what they do. As you mention, talk is cheap. In healthy and honest people, their conversation/promises and their behavior perfectly match. If your partner promises to take you on a trip…and you go on that trip — then you can put more faith in his word. The wider the gap between what a person says and how they behave, the higher the risk in the relationship and the less you can depend upon them. If we think about it, a liar is someone who has no behavior to back up his/her promises. In truth, the best measure and sign of a person’s true feelings is in their behavior — not their talk. While your boyfriend talks about marriage, he’s been talking for four years and now plans a personal adventure that will distance the relationship for an additional four years. That behavior says a lot.

You have a right to be concerned about where this relationship is going. You also have a right to ask. When it comes to your future, you must ask the questions. You must ask about marriage. You’ve taken the approach of waiting for him to bring it up and it’s put you in this spot. He may be comfortable with the relationship the way it is now, and if that’s true, you need to know that.

After four years, if he’s not sure you’re the one for him, then you’re probably wasting your time. After four years of dating, his behavior would suggest that he’s already made a decision…and it’s to join the military. You’re missing a big issue here. It’s not if you’re the right person for him — Is He the Right Person for You? Obviously, he’s planning to do things that make him happy and he’s showing little concern for your position.

I’d recommend confronting him about the marriage issue. If he can’t commit or make a decision — then he’s already made a decision, to not get married in the near future. If you’re comfortable with that decision, you can stay, although it will likely be four more years of noncommitment. If that decision isn’t good for you, you’ll need to move on. You must protect yourself in this situation and take steps to make your life positive and happy. Right now, he’s only concerned with making his life happy.