Do I Have Asperger’s or Borderline Personality?

Reader’s Question

I have been reading about people who believe they have Asperger’s and Borderline Personality Disorder intertwined. They all have different reasons for believing so; here is mine.

I am unable to maintain eye contact without considerable effort — not because I am dishonest, but because it is just too intensely emotional. When forced to be alone I feel extreme anguish, yet when people are all up in my space, I feel engulfed. My perfect mix seems to be to have others nearby doing their own thing. I loved working in retail on the sales floor. I always did awesome in my year-end reviews for customer service. I called my interactions with customers 30 second love affairs — charming, helpful, attentive and empathic without the need for a long term commitment.

In real life, I have to be in a relationship, but I hate clinginess. I refuse to marry my boyfriend because my first two husbands died and I am only 36. My significant other describes me as low maintenance, as I do not demand anything of him physically, materially or emotionally, yet neither am I cold to him. I tell him I love him every day and never deny him sex.

When I was younger, you could have said I was a suffocating, obsessive, needy person, but after pushing people away or being abused, I learned not to show need. I get angry with myself and irritated with others when things get too co-dependent. I still have friends from elementary and middle school who love me just as I am, but they only hear from me maybe every 4 months, because I fear taxing our relationship and losing them.

I get angry when I or someone else gets hurt physically or emotionally. It’s not that I don’t care…I care too much and show my panic by trying to fix it as quickly as possible and repeatedly ordering the situation (in my head) to STOP! I feel like a sea anemone. Watch me sway gently with the tide and I appear beautiful, touch me and I immediately shrink inward. I feel so empty and alone, yet pressured to express the love others demand and rightfully deserve. My friends describe me as someone you can’t help but love. My heart’s cry seems to be “please love me, but stay back…just close enough where I can see you, but you can’t touch me…but please don’t leave my sight.” Who am I?

When the doctor told me my first husband died, all I could do was scream STOP SAYING THAT! repeatedly. One friend has been my best friend (though obviously not her best friend) since 13; she came to see me every weekend the first year after he died, making a 600 mile round trip. She always remembers my birthday and those of my kids. I never remember her kids and barely remember hers, yet I named my daughter after her as a tribute and sign of my love and loyalty to the most wonderful woman I know. I know few of her personal struggles, not because I do not care, but I just can’t bear to feel it. It’s as if I were born with my soul on the outside of my body. It all stings!! Thank you.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I’m not sensing anything related to Borderline Personality or Asperger’s Disorder in your self-description. I do sense a couple of issues that might be producing the issues you describe.

First, the death of a spouse is the most stressful and devastating event an adult can experience…and you’ve been through that twice. While that might be expected in your history if you were 75 years old, you’re only 36! The death of a spouse not only produces a profound bereavement and depression, but a disorganization of our lifestyle. Having two such significant experiences creates changes in our attitudes, beliefs about the future, and concerns about relationships with others. Two bereavements may also produce years of living with moderate depression, including symptoms of social withdrawal, poor concentration, being fearful, an inability to experience pleasure, etc.

Second, your experiences will have created thousands of intense “emotional memories“. There are memories of your traumatic history that include the feelings present during those times. As the brain uses our memory database to operate each day, you will experience intrusive yet intense emotional memories during the day, especially in areas of social interaction, feelings, affection, etc. I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory to help understand this situation.

Lastly, your description reveals some inconsistent behaviors and reactions. This is not unusual in individuals who have similar backgounds. Due to the above two issues, your reactions to events will be handicapped by intrusive emotional memories. Your ability to form intimate relationships may also be impaired as your prior two intimate relationships ended in bereavement.

I’d recommend reading the Emotional Memory article. I’d also recommend seeking counseling to help you sort out emotional memories from real-life situations. It sounds like your social skills are intact which can serve as an excellent foundation for improvement.